


The Real World and The Real You

by annemarie213



Category: Monster (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Am i gonna do proper research to make this historically accurate? hell no!!!, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Do i smell slow burn? It's slow burn, F/F, F/M, Female Reader, Follows the main story, Friends to Lovers, Healing, High-functioning depression, Hurt/Comfort, Incorrect use of commas, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Period-Typical Sexism, Reader is a bit nihilistic, Reader is bisexual, Reader-Insert, Relationship(s), Slow Burn, Starts at Anna's university, Suicide, Tags and rating will be updated further down the road, Tenma is a good man but for fucks sake just pull the trigger piglet, supportive parents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-06-27 20:09:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15692514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annemarie213/pseuds/annemarie213
Summary: You weren’t surprised when your friend and classmate Nina, popular and beautiful as she was, had started receiving emails from an ’unknown admirer’. Even though the messages were rather flattering, something about them seemed off, and you could not help but feel that Nina might have gotten involved in some trouble. You certainly weren't wrong.---ON HIATUS--- until I've finished my other story





	1. Enter, Nina Fortner

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fanfic. Kind critique is appreciated and welcomed. The depression will be largely based on my own experiences, so you may not be able to relate to them. Please keep this in mind if you decide to comment on this particular subject.

‘’Now then, ladies and gentlemen… What was the basis for the ruling the judge made regarding the events in Stuttgart in 1986?’’  
The classroom was silent. The grey-haired professor gazed upon the students seated with his hawk-like eyes. No one had raised their hand to answer the question.  
‘’My, my. Silence? Is this some sort of Oriental Zen temple or something?’’  
His eyes scanned the classroom, obviously searching for his next prey. Panic flared up in your chest, when professor Kronecker’s eyes were pointed at you. However, you were able to release a sigh of relief, when his eyes moved to a male classmate instead.  
‘’Mr. Eimer! I would like to hear your answer to this question.’’  
The man instantly straightened a bit from his slouched position, giving a bewildered ‘’Huh?’’ at the sudden attention. It seemed that he hadn’t been paying attention to the lesson, which you silently thanked him for, as it made him the more obvious prey for the professor. Everyone knew that you should at least look engaged in the lesson, if you wanted to avoid being called out in front of everyone. Stammering out a broken and unfinished sentence, the man was spared, as Kronecker looked away from him, and asked the students if any of them were able to answer the question.  
‘’All right, can anyone break this silence?’’  
You might have had considered it funny, if you weren’t panicking on the inside, as a woman with sandy blonde hair burst into the classroom, before leaning down to place her hands on her knees, as she gasped for air. Just like all the others in the room, your eyes were trained on the newcomer, who you recognized easily as your friend Nina Fortner. Commenting on her lateness, professor Kronecker repeated the question to Nina.  
Still breathing heavily, Nina tried her best to answer the question; ‘’What? Oh, yes. That is… The defendant claimed that the kidnapping was the objective and the death of the victim was accidental. After carefully examining the situation it was concluded that the murder was indeed accidental. Therefore, because the murder was a crime of passion I believe the murderer was merely sentenced to fifteen years in prison.’’  
While your classmates stared at Nina in awe at her quick answer, the grumpy professor’s lips turned up into a small but genuine smile, praising Nina for her answer and told her to take her seat. It was only then that Nina raised her head to look up and cheerfully reply with a ‘’Yes professor.’’


	2. It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a homophobic slur. I said I wouldn't do any research, but here I am, trying to figure out who the fuck St. Adrian is and why there is a parade dedicated to him. I wish I had this kind of motivation in school.

After that anxiety-inducing lesson, you found yourself outside with your friends, walking across the university grounds while Peter, the boy who very obviously had a crush on Nina, made sure to thank her for ‘saving us from slavery’.  
‘’I’m just saying, that if you hadn’t saved our behinds like that, that demon Kronecker would totally have made us write another 50-page essay on some bizarre case like he did last time. Just barging in and nailing the answer like that? You know, you really are something Nina. Hey, just to show our gratitude, how about I take you out for a nice dinner today? Just the two of us.’’  
Boy, he sure was laying it on thick. When he had walked in front of Nina to make his offer, you had stuck your tongue out in disgust, to which Peter replied with a quick glare thrown your way before refocusing on Nina.  
‘’Sorry Peter, but I have club activities today and after that I’ve got work. Ah, I should probably hurry if I want to get there on time. I’ll see you later’’  
Giving the boys a wave, she turned to you and enveloped you in a quick hug. Some of her soft hair tickled your face, and you prayed that the others wouldn’t notice the red color on your cheeks.  
Releasing you, she once again waved and ran off. 

‘’Looks like you got rejected once again Peter. Let’s see, how many times has that happened already?’’  
Brushing his friend’s hand off his shoulder, Peter replied; ‘’Shut up man, I’d like to see a person who could catch Nina’s interest, especially when she always has her little guard dog with her.’’ Once again, he shot a pointed glare at you.  
‘’Aw, I’m so sorry Peter. But maybe it’ll make you feel better to hear that she doesn’t even spend that much time with me either because of her job and stuff. And I’m not a guarding dog, I’m just reacting to all the secondhand embarrassment I feel, when I see you trying to desperately win over someone who’s clearly not into you.’’  
A roll of your eyes, along with a playful smirk, followed your statement. The other two men in the group laughed a bit; ‘’It’s true Peter. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Nina reciprocate any of your attempts at flirting.’’  
Now you could see that Peter was starting to get annoyed for real, as his face scrunched up and his lips bore a big frown. ‘’Yeah, well, I stand by what I said earlier. It’s because SHE is always around Nina, which never gives the rest of us time to make a real move!’’ He pointed an accusing finger at you. ‘’So what’s your problem? Why can’t you detach yourself from her for just one minute? Is it because you want her all for yourself or something? Don’t deny it, I’ve seen you get all red in the face when she hugs you.’’  
You instantly felt something drop in your chest. Did he know? Did the others? No, you couldn’t handle this, no no no no….  
‘’Whaaaat, are you really like that? Are you a freaking dyke?’’ The other guys wore big grins, obviously not taking it very seriously, merely seeing it as a joke, where you on the other hand could feel your brain scrambling for a comeback, a smart witty remark, ANYTHING that could deny Peter’s ‘accusation’ without raising suspicion. 

Letting out a nervous laugh, you answered their accusation; ‘’H-hahaha, what are you even talking about? As if! I just get a bit flustered, because I’m not exactly used to the sudden physical contact. I’m sure that if Nina brushed against Peter accidentally, he would faint on the spot.’’  
Once again, the others laughed while Peter stewed in his own irritation. ‘’Yeah? Well, whatever! I’ll continue asking her until she gives me a clear answer! Because if you haven’t noticed, she hasn’t exactly said ‘no’ yet, she’s just said that she’s busy.’’  
‘’Yeah, yeah, Peter. Good luck with that. I gotta get home now, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.’’  
Waving goodbye, you quickly walked away from the group, the hair in your neck still tingling from the uncomfortable situation you had just experienced. As you crossed the road, you saw a small group of children in costumes, happily walking and laughing. It always made you feel weird to think about your childhood. Not because anything odd or extraordinary had ever happened, it simply left you with a weird feeling in your chest, when you compared the ‘you’ from the present to the ‘you’ of the past. So many things had changed, for better and for the worse. Noticing that you had stopped in the middle of the road, you quickly set off again towards your house. You could still feel the tension in your body, and you knew it wouldn’t go away until you spent some time alone in your room.


	3. Flowers and Trauma, My Favorite Combination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried my best to make this chapter longer, as I feel like 400/800-word chapters are too small. But goddamn it is really hard to write so many words

‘’What?’’  
‘’What do you mean, ‘what’? Quit playing dumb Peter’’  
Seated at a table in the cafeteria with Peter’s group and Nina, you were just as confused as Peter, who had paused right in the middle of cutting his German sausage, to look up questioningly at Nina.  
‘’I seriously don’t understand what you’re talking about Nina. I’ve never written any poems, especially anything that fancy-smancy, ‘Born to smother you with flowers’? That’s way too cheesy to for me.’’  
‘’I agree, Peter could never write a poem like that, even if 90% of his grade depended on it’’  
Shooting a playful glare at Peter, who shot you a not-so-playful one right back, you turned your attention to Nina once again, whose face was twisted in an expression of confusion.  
‘’But then… Who could it be? I’ve only given my email address to my friends.’’  
Peter muttered a quiet ‘’Well, that’s just great. Another rival in my pursuit of love.’’  
Placing a gentle hand on Nina’s back, you gave her a small smile. ‘’Well, I don’t know who it is either, but at least they know how to swoon a lady. Who knows, maybe there’ll suddenly be a guy waiting outside the classroom one day with an enormous bouquet of flowers, ready to declare his love for you. That doesn’t sound too bad does it?’’  
Slipping of the bench, you imitated said guy, falling down on one knee, one hand holding an imaginary bouquet out to Nina, the other hand splayed against your chest, while you tried your best to imitate the ‘romantic’ dialect of a French person; ‘’Oh Nina, my true love. My life bears no meaning without your presence. Truly, the only reason for my existence is to smother you with the most beautiful flowers.’’  
Nina, who laughed at your grandiose display, placed her hands on her face to hide her red cheeks from others in the cafeteria, as your little ‘play’ had attracted the attention of other students sitting nearby.  
‘’Come on, that’s embarrassing’’ She pulled on your sleeve to make you return to your seat, ‘’I still want to know who it is though.’’ She said as rested her face on her hands. 

It was weird that someone suddenly had sent some A-grade poetry to Nina's email, which no one but her friends should know, and you hadn’t expected this day to get even weirder. Having finished lunch, you found yourself sitting next to Nina during another one of professor Kronecker’s lessons. The room was once again silent, as no one dared to face the wrath of Kronecker. This time, Kronecker was talking about the homicide of a family of four, a pair of adults and their two children. Kronecker once again asked Nina to present an analysis of the judge’s ruling, to which she shakily stood up and tried to answer. You figured that perhaps, there was finally a question that Nina, being a genius, could not answer. However, after a short moment both Peter and you noticed Nina clutching her blue cardigan to the point where her knuckles turned white.  
‘’Umm, the focus of the trial was the verdict… and the massacre… of the entire family…’’  
Her voice was weak, and she seemed unsure of what she was saying, as if she wasn’t actually focusing. Having known Nina for a few months, becoming friends shortly after you had transferred to this university, you knew this kind of behavior was totally unprecedented.  
‘’The evidence… the evidence…’’  
Her hand flew up to cover her mouth. 

After Peter and you had helped Nina to the bathroom to empty her stomach, Nina crouched on the floor, too tired to stand up. As you handed her a glass of water, you softly asked if she perhaps wanted to go home.  
‘’No, it’s okay. That case the professor was talking about… it just made me feel a little dizzy.’’  
Peter and you made eye contact, both sharing the same concern for Nina and her wellbeing. He hesitantly leaned down to ask her; ‘’Was it about that family massacre’’  
‘’Stop it.’’  
Nina’s voice was sharp and hard, the total opposite of her usually soft voice which easily could be mistaken for a whisper. Both of you were taken aback by her harsh tone, but Peter quickly relaxed and tried to lighten the mood.  
‘’Well, I bet your counselor would say something like ‘If you trace it back to it’s roots, it is nothing big. Try to remember your childhood’. Or something like that’’  
‘’I’m sure some people just don’t like hearing about things like that, Peter. Nina, whatever you feel, it’s totally fine. As long as it doesn’t affect your daily life, it’s probably nothing to worry about.’’  
‘’My childhood…’’  
You blinked ‘’Hm? What about your childhood?’’  
‘’I don’t have any memories from before I was ten.’’

Nina’s parents greeted you, as you stepped inside their house. Having decided that Nina had to be walked home, Peter had given you permission to be the one walking with Nina, as he felt it would be ‘’awkward to meet the parents if Nina and he weren’t even dating or anything.’’ Besides, you had visited her house a couple of times, so you already knew where it was, in case Nina got too disoriented to find her way home.  
‘’Ah, it’s so good to see you again, dearie. It’s been quite a while since you’ve last visited us. Are you staying for dinner by any chance?’’  
Nina’s mother was a friendly woman, who always welcomed you with open arms, which had made your first visit much easier, as you had been a nervous wreck at the time. Her father, on the other hand, was more of a grump, but not in a bad way. He was always willing to talk about the news, or history and the likes.  
Getting a glass from the pantry, you politely declined to eat dinner with the family, as you had promised your own parents to be home for dinner. She nodded understandingly, and went back to her cooking as Nina and you ascended the stairs and entered Nina’s bedroom.  
Sensing Nina’s fatigue, you both made a silent agreement to simply relax in silence for a while. Nina laid in her bed, her face covered by her hands, while you were sitting on the floor next to the bed, leaning against it and gazing at the fire alarm on the ceiling.  
Suddenly, her computer made a noise, signaling that she had received an email. She made her way to the computer and read it, before turning to you.  
‘’It says they’re coming to pick me up soon.’’  
‘’WHAT?’’ you nearly fell over, as you processed what Nina had just said. You stumbled over to her side, to get a look at the email. Sure enough, the email quite literally stated; ‘’I’m coming to pick you up soon.’’ 

Ok, ok. There were two things this message could indicate. Number one; That whoever this person was had a really weird way of saying ‘’I’ll come pick you up for a date’’, or, number two; they were quite literally coming to get Nina. Even if it was the first option, it still set off warning bells in your head. Who would ever word it like that? Were they just that bad at flirting? Were you just being dramatic because of certain private reasons?  
‘’Well… that’s certainly a weird way to ask you on a date, huh, Nina?’’ you asked with a forced chuckle. Nina’s face showed no emotion.  
‘’I think I need some sleep. Thank you for bringing me home, I really appreciate you and Peter’s concern, but I think I’ll be alright.’’  
She said your name softly as she turned to look at you with an apologetically smile on her face.  
Taking the hint, you returned Nina’s smile. ‘’That’s probably a good idea. I’ll head home so you can have some peace. Just know you can call me if anything happens, alright?’’  
‘’I know. You know, I’m really grateful to have you as my friend.’’ She said as she hugged you goodbye. Your cheeks went red and you suddenly became hyper-aware of the arms wound around you, as your heart started racing. Oh god, you hoped she wouldn’t notice your heart racing in your chest as her own chest pressed against yours. You shyly pressed your face into her shoulder, mumbling softly.  
‘’Well, I’m really glad to have you too. You’ve been really nice to me since I transferred here, so of course I’ll be there for you if something like this happens.’’  
Stepping out of the hug, you squeezed her shoulders before turning to leave.  
‘’Oh, and keep me updated with those ‘secret admirer’ messages will you? I’m looking forward to hearing their next romantic message.’’  
Throwing Nina a wink, you made your way down the stairs, said goodbye to her parents before walking home.  
As you were walking on the grey sidewalk, passing several houses surrounded by beautiful gardens in full growth, you felt the warm beams from the sun on your skin, your surroundings painted a soft golden red by the setting sun. You wanted to be happy on Nina’s behalf, getting a secret admirer wasn’t exactly a common occurrence, and yet, as flattering as the first email was, the second left you with a sense of unease. Why would they write that? Was this secret admirer actually a stalker? You couldn’t be sure until they showed themselves, so you made a silent promise to keep an eye on Nina, until her secret admirer showed their face. 

Stepping over the threshold of your house, you were greeted by the sight of your father cutting something in the kitchen, while your mother was seated on your yellow sofa, reading a book. The title displayed on the cover was ‘’Aimée & Jaguar.’’ Having heard your entrance, your mother looked up from her book and welcomed you home.  
‘’How was school sweetie? You’re quite late today, did you hang out with you friends after your lessons?’’  
Shrugging off your jacket and your bag, you sat down at the dinnertable, as it looked like your dad was done preparing dinner. As your dad placed the dinner on the table, giving you a quick kiss on the temple while walking past you, your mother sat down at the table as well. It was only then that you answered her, ‘’Well, school was nerve-wracking, as always.’’ You let out a small scoff and a roll of your eyes, ‘’But something weird happened today. Nina got sick all of a sudden in the middle of Kronecker’s lesson. It was because Kronecker brought up this case about a massacre of a family of four, and it made Nina really uncomfortable. I walked her home, just to make sure that she got home safe, so it’s okay now.’’  
‘’That was very nice of you to do for Nina. But you’re sure it wasn’t just an excuse to, you know, spend some alone time with her?’’ Both your mom and dad seemed to think the same thing, as they both looked at you questioningly with a coy look on their face. You took a deep breath, ‘’I don’t know what you could possibly be talking about mom. I was just making sure she got home safe, as Peter wasn’t up for the task.’’  
‘’Well, I’m just saying, that if you two suddenly turned up at our doorstep, hand in hand, I would be delighted to welcome her into the family.’’  
Letting out a gasp you whined, ‘’Mom! You can’t say stuff like that! It’s embarrassing! Dad, please tell me you haven’t been preparing for me to suddenly turn up with a girlfriend.’’  
Your dad looked you in the eye for a brief moment, before he turned away and muttered, ‘’Considering how much of a scaredy-cat you are, it’s only natural to hope that someday you’ll actually manage to confess to someone.’’  
‘’Wow dad, that’s really nice of you to say’’, you huffed sarcastically, ‘’you both know it’s not that simple. I’m not taking that risk again.’’ You lowered your eyes down to look at your plate, feeling your good mood being replaced by hurt, stemming from memories you wished you could forget.  
‘’Aw, you know he was just joking. I know that what happened to you was… bad, and definitely something I never want to see you go through again, but I’m positive that somewhere there will be someone who will love you back. I mean, I’ve seen women with other women as their romantic partner, so there is a chance that Nina might like you. It’s not just you alone who feels attracted to other women.’’  
You felt your parent’s hands on yours. You squeezed their hands, and sat in a comfortable silence, before they pulled their hands back, and you all returned to eating dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this story follows the main story of Monster, I feel that it has been hard to show more of reader, who she is, and how she interacts with the people around her, especially in the beginning, as Nina's 20th birthday and the events leading up to it are quite essential to the story, but I will do my best to give reader some real character development further down the road.


	4. The Prince Appears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another somewhat short one

The weather was sunny, and the birds were chirping happily. Such a shame that you had to waste your day going to lessons indoors, when the weather was so nice outside. Walking alongside Beate, Clara and Nina, you listened intently to their conversation.  
‘’You look happy. You’re probably hoping for a prince on a white horse to come pick you up, right Nina?’’  
Nina raised her eyebrows and looked at Beate, ‘’Oh, c’mon. There’s nothing wrong with dreaming a little.’’  
Clara did not look convinced. ‘’Well, if he can write a love poem that sounds like something from the Middle Ages, then sure, he might just be a prince on a noble steed, looking for his true love. I mean, nobody from our time writes like that.’’ Her short black hair swished as she turned to Beate, who had let out a small noise, as her long face lit up. ‘’Wait, what if your ‘prince’ is that new guy? The one who sits in the legendary seat, but never gets called on?’’  
‘’Right, right, and he’ always staring at Nina. Maybe it’s really him? What do you think?’’, She turned to you, ‘’You’ve been quiet this whole time, so, give us your verdict on the situation. Think it’s him?’’  
You blinked, having been pulled abruptly from your thoughts by Beate and Clara’s curious eyes staring at you. ‘’I-I’m sorry what? I wasn’t listening, sorry.’’ You ducked your head, embarrassed at having been caught off-guard like that. Especially with Beate and Clara.

It’s not that they were mean or rude to you, but your relationship with those two was just different from your relationship with Nina. They were nice, and you definitely didn’t dislike spending time with them, but you could not help but feel bad about your indifference towards them. You never ‘got’ anything from them, in the sense that their company brought you no joy, nor any other feelings in particular. It was a thing you had noticed about yourself. Back when you were younger, you showed no interest in your peers. Their presence simply did not matter to you, and you never sought out their company. There was only one person who you had managed to connect with properly, but it hadn’t lasted long, as his mother had gotten a new job far away, forcing the whole family to move, and he had to transfer to another school. You had cried as you exchanged your last farewells, and watched the moving van disappear in the distance.  
When you had returned to school, you retreated into a shell. While you may not have cared much about you classmates, you had still played and hung out with them before your most important person disappeared from your life. But your luck soon turned, as one of the girls in your class felt pity for you. She did her best to befriend you, and somehow, she had succeeded. Your feelings of loss were soon replaced with peace and joy, as you formed a bond with your new friend.  
Realizing that they were still staring at you, waiting for an answer, you quickly snapped out of it and answered the question, ‘’Um, I haven’t really looked at him a lot, but if he’s staring that much then it would certainly make him a prime suspect in the case’’  
‘’It has to be him.’’ Beate and Clara voiced their agreement at the same time, ‘’He’s awfully handsome too. I’m sure our little princess wishes to meet her prince.’’ They snickered as they glanced playfully at Nina, who had not yet understood what their plan was. ‘’G-guys, I really don’t know this guy you’re talking abo-…’’  
‘’Don’t worry so much! Next time we see him we’ll make sure to arrange something for you two to meet!’’ Laughing, they both ran off, ignoring Nina’s shouts of protest, leaving Nina and you alone together. ‘’Those two… they’re simply too spontaneous sometimes.’’ Nina pouted while crossing her arms.  
‘’Nina, I doubt they’re gonna let you meet with some weirdo. Maybe you just need to get to know him. I mean, the only reason we are friends is because you managed to stand me and my weird behavior until you got a bit closer to me.’’ Laughing at your own comment, you weren’t expecting Nina to have a frown on her face. ‘’You really shouldn’t talk about yourself like that! I managed to become your friend because I wanted to be your friend. You make it seem like you were totally intolerable, but I think you’ve been very sweet to everyone since the day you arrived here.’’  
You could only look at Nina with stunned, wide eyes, as she turned around and continued walking.

It was the next morning that Clare and Beate surprised Nina with their plans. Standing outside the front entrance, they excitedly told what they had managed to accomplish, ‘’C’mon Nina, you said you wanted to meet your prince. You just gotta wait here until he shows up. He promised that he meet you here.’’ They quickly ran around the corner nearby, peeking out their heads so they could witness the meeting. You turned to Nina, ‘’Do you want me to stay here with you? Maybe you’d be more comfortable with that instead of waiting alone.’’  
She looked at you, before showing a small smile, ‘’I appreciate the thought, but I can do this. And who knows, maybe he’ll get too scared if he didn’t anticipate two beautiful women waiting for him.’’ She sent you a wink. You once again felt your face heat up, and shook your head lightly in order to hide it, ‘’I’ll be over there with Clara and Beate. Good luck with prince charming.’’ And with those words you joined Clara and Beate in their hiding place.

It only took a moment, before a brown-haired man approached Nina. You saw that he bore a awkward smile on his face, which Nina returned. You felt a sharp sting in your chest at the scene, before noticing Nina’s smile fade as she looked at something with her eyes wide open. You couldn’t see what it was from your hiding place.  
And then she fell down.


	5. The Disappearance of Nina Fortner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, we've gotten to the point where reader splits off from Nina's journey and starts her own. Probably the longest chapter yet

You didn’t see Nina at school the next day. However, she turned up to school the day after that. Clara, Beate and you had of course asked her if she was alright, and jokingly if the guy they had set her up with had been that disappointing. She denied the claims, and reassured you all that she was fine. It was mostly you whom she needed to reassure. You had been worried sick the whole day she was away, but at the same time you were afraid of calling her house, as you feared that she would found you overbearing and overprotective perhaps. But she didn’t seem annoyed at all, when she had to spend 5 more minutes than she did with Clara and Beate to convince you that she was fine.  
‘’We’ve looked into him. Turns out that he isn’t you secret email guy. But hey, that just means your prince might still be out there somewhere, waiting for the perfect moment to come clean.’’ Those two certainly hadn’t lost their positivity.  
‘’I think we should give that a rest. Nina doesn’t seem to be feeling too well these past few days, maybe we should give her some room for breathing, without constantly teasing her.’’  
You didn’t mention that you would like to go on about your daily life, not having to constantly fear someone taking all of Nina’s attention. She was the only ‘friend’ you actually considered a friend. Losing her would throw you right back into your shell of loneliness. You had already had this happen to before - you didn’t want it to happen again.  
‘’It’s fine, I’m over it anyway.’’ Nina tried to reassure you. ‘’Oh really? It’s your birthday tomorrow, isn’t it Nina? I bet you’re secretly hoping for him to show up with an armful of flowers.’’ Clara quickly joined in on the joke, ‘’I can just imagine him, ‘’My gift to you on this special day is a big kiss m’lady.’’ She said, as she comically puckered her lips.  
‘’You two are too much, honestly!’’ As they laughed, you forced yourself to laugh along.  
It would happen sooner or later. It just wasn’t your fate to stay with her. 

You had known for a while that Nina’s birthday would be this day, so you had prepared a gift a long time ago. You wanted to give her something that she would like, and that you had made yourself. That way, even if she left you, she would at least always be able to remember you. You were a bit worried that she would find it silly, but at the same time this would be a very personal and thoughtful gift, which you figured she would appreciate. The gift, wrapped with red paper and a white string, was waiting for you on the table near the door. Your parents wished you good luck with the gift (and with Nina), as you left, heading towards Heidelberg University.  
As you walked onto university grounds, you heard your name being called. At the other side of the yard you could see Peter jogging up to you. ‘’Heyy, you on your way to meet up with Nina?’’  
‘’What do you want, Peter?’’ you shot him an accusing glare, ‘’Can’t give up your pursuit of love, even on her birthday? Don’t you think she’s got enough on her plate with this ‘secret admirer’ already?’’  
Seemingly unaffected by your sour tone, Peter replied; ‘’Yeah, I heard about what happened. It’s weird isn’t it though? Nina’s been in perfect health the whole time I’ve known her, and suddenly she gets ill in the middle of a lecture and faints for seemingly no reason? I wonder if something happened to her. But anyway, I actually agree with you for once. She has been well lately, so I decided, that I would have you deliver my gift to her.’’  
You searched his face for any sign of a hidden motive, ‘’Why would I do that for you? Can’t you just do it yourself?’’  
‘’Of course I could, I’m not lazy! But I’ve given some thought to what you and the others said, and I figured that perhaps you weren’t wrong. Nina obviously hasn’t warmed up to me yet, so I need to give it some time before I go askin’ her on a date again. Which is where you come in. In order to demonstrate how respectful I am of her and her needs, I’ll keep my distance for today. That way, she won’t have to worry about making up some nice rejection, just in case I try to invite her out again. Doesn’t that sound awesome of me?’’ It was obvious that he believed it to be the best plan ever. You didn’t agree, but hey, if it meant that Peter would cut down on his flirting then you were all in.  
‘’Alright, give me the gift.’’ You opened your hand and waited for Peter to find the gift in his bag. When he finally pulled it out, you couldn’t help but notice the size. It was pretty small.  
‘’What is it Peter?’’  
‘’Hah, why should I tell you that? It’s for Nina, not you. Well, I gotta bounce, remember to tell me all about her reaction to my gift.’’  
You stared at Peter, as he walked away. You already felt tired. The only reason you had for turning up at school today was Nina’s birthday gift. It’s not like you were an avid fan of skipping school, but every once and then you let yourself have a ‘me day’. It was a thing that had helped you immensely, and always spiked your productivity in school the following days. Back when you were small, you would often face sickness, in order to stay home. But it wasn’t because you were a bad kid who simply didn’t want to go to school. At the time you didn’t know the reason, but the consistent fatigue and your loss of optimism soon began to make your parents question your behavior. But all that didn’t matter now. Things were better now, and you knew yourself better than ever. If you needed to stay home, then you would stay home without feeling guilty. You just had to deliver Nina’s gift and make some excuse to how you weren’t feeling so well and go home and enjoy a day off. 

Trudging through the main building, you spotted Nina. It seemed she hadn’t joined up with Clara and Beate yet, since she was alone. Perfect! Then you wouldn’t have to be interrogated by them, as they did every so often when you slipped a little white lie about being sick. Nina would never pry too much, and would always be understanding.  
You snuck up on her and grabbed her shoulders, making her jump and give out a small scream, before she swiftly turned to face you.  
‘’Oh don’t do that. My heart nearly stopped beating.’’ A small pout came to her face. She looked so cute when she did that.  
‘’Haha, I sure hope my present doesn’t kill you then.’’ You removed your bag from your shoulder and grabbed your gift along with Peter’s. ‘’The one with red wrapping is from me. The other one is Peter’s. He asked me to bring it to you.’’  
She took them from you hands, ‘’Why did he ask you to do it?’’  
‘’I’ve got no idea. Does anyone really understand why he does the things he does? Anyway, go on, open them.’’ 

She opened Peter’s first. As she let the paper fall to the floor, she held out the gift in front of her. It was a bracelet, and a pretty fancy one at that. It was a golden color with small white stones decorating the surface.  
‘’Wow, Peter really went all out this year.’’ You couldn’t help staring. It was very beautiful. No doubt, it probably wasn’t cheap.  
‘’Ah, well, it’s probably because it’s my twentieth birthday. But it’s very lovely, I’ll have to make sure to thank him the next time I see him.’’ She slipped the bracelet on and raised her arm to admire it.  
Oh god, this made your gift look so dumb. You should probably just say that you grabbed the wrong gift and take it back. That would give you some time to figure out a new better gift. Why would she like yours anyway? She probably wouldn’t use it even once.  
Wrapped up in your own negative thoughts, you didn’t notice Nina unwrapping your own gift. It was only when she let out a delighted noise that your attention returned. In her hand, she held the small plush doll, which resembled a knight. You lowered your head too look at the floor. Your hands became clammy and sweaty.  
‘’Ah, this is really cute. Did you make it yourself?’’ Nina’s voice was cheerful, which made you feel slightly better. ‘’Yeah, I made it myself. It’s a knight because I remember you told me about those dreams you had once. Those you talked with your psychiatrist about, those with that monster. I figured that perhaps it would make you feel a bit better if you had like, a knight to protect you if those dreams return.’’  
Just for an instant, you saw Nina freeze and her smile faded. But it was quickly replaced by a warm smile directed at you. ‘’That’s really nice of you. It really is. I love it.’’ Before you could even blink, her arms where wound tightly around your neck. You gladly returned the hug, happy that she had liked the gift.  
‘’So, is your birthday going well so far? Had a good morning?’’ You figured now would be an acceptable time to pull away, but Nina did not let go. In fact, she held on tightly, as she opened her mouth, ‘’I have something to tell you. I can’t tell anyone but you.’’ You kept silent, ‘’I received another email yesterday. I might finally get to meet the person who sent me all those anonymous emails.’’ She pulled away slightly, just enough to look at your surprised face.  
You didn’t know what to say. You didn’t want her to go meet this person, especially after all the strange occurrences that had been going on with Nina lately.  
‘’I don’t know if I should meet them or not’’, she looked down, her face locked into an unsure expression.  
‘’I honestly don’t think you should. I mean, I’m just as curious as you, but I feel like this might be a bit sudden? It just seems to me that you could use some rest, without thinking about such things.’’ You let out a defeated sigh, ‘’But at the same time I know I can’t stop you. Just… just promise to call me afterwards, okay? So I know that you are safe.’’  
‘’I promise, as soon as I see a phone I’ll call your house. But you mustn’t tell anyone about this, okay? This has to stay between us.’’  
‘’Yeah, I get it.’’  
As she brought you in for another hug, you wondered just what would happen tonight. And as you walked home, that same question still plagued your mind.

The sun painted your room a golden red, signaling that the sun was on its way down, and that the moon and stars would come out soon. It was in many ways your favorite part of day. It meant that the day was almost over, and you could curl up in your bed and forget the rest of the world until you woke up. When you were younger, you would always march straight up to bed after school and stay there until it was time for dinner. It was too exhausting to do anything else. But these days you could actually feel good when you laid down in your bed like this, because you had managed to do other things before finally succumbing to the paradise of feathers. When you were younger, the bed would feel warm, secure and yet like a prison, that kept you away from the cold but refreshing air outside.  
Of course, today was an exception.  
Your parents knew that you went home early, and they were both glad to hear that Nina appreciated the gift. Of course, you left out the part with Heidelberg Castle, but you had been happy to tell them about Nina’s expression of joy and the hug.  
You were relived when your parents told you that they had planned a date night, which meant you would be home alone. You loved having the house to yourself.

You looked at the time. It was almost 7 o’clock, the time Nina was supposed to be at Heidelberg Castle. It would be fine, you told yourself. Nina was just going to meet some random person, who would probably end up being pretty nice, and then they’d start dating. You personally didn’t like that, but it was better than imagining Nina being hurt. But you could do nothing as of right now; you simply had to wait for Nina’s call. And so you waited.

 

It was way past 7 o’clock, and Nina still hadn’t called. When you could feel yourself starting to get nervous, you tried to convince yourself that she probably just forgot it because she was having so much fun with her date. But as time passed that you simply couldn’t accept that explanation. You couldn’t let go of the strange bouts of sickness Nina had experienced and this sudden admirer. You had to go and check. You had already tried calling her house, but they didn’t answer. Even if you were wrong, what’s the worst that could happen? You would crash the date and make it awkward, but better to be safe than sorry.  
The castle wasn’t far from your house. You ran through the night, looking up at the castle looming in the distance. It looked positively beautiful yet ominous, as it towered over the city, illuminated by several lights from the ground.  
Your lungs were burning as you started ascending the Königstuhl hillside. Just a few more minutes and you would reach it. But as you ran, you saw someone in the distance. You recognized the orange jacket and the blonde hair. It was Nina who was being dragged by the hand, by some man with black hair, and had other traits that made you believe him to be of Chinese descent or something like it. But that didn’t matter; all that mattered was the fact that Nina was being dragged away by this stranger.  
You called out to her; yelled her name. She turned to face you and momentarily stopped, shocked at seeing you here. The man had also stopped to see what got her attention, but he said something to her that you couldn’t hear and continued pulling her away.  
Your legs were sore and your lungs felt as though they would collapse on themselves any second now, so you knew you couldn’t chase after them.  
You heard Nina yell your name, ‘Go home! It’s not safe! And stay away from the castle!’’  
You had no idea of what was going on, and you sure as hell weren’t okay with that. Your brain had already been turned off, and your instincts had taken over, and they were screaming at you to follow Nina. 

Your legs were burning, as you followed the shrinking silhouette of Nina and the black-haired stranger. You managed to follow them for short while until they got to a parked car and drove away in it. It was then that you knew you had to give up.  
As you slowed down your pace, you felt your foot hit a loose brick in the pavement, and you fell. Considering that you were running down a steep hill, you kept rolling, until you hit your head and your vision turned dark. 

The pain in your head was terrible. You could feel your head throb as you slowly opened your eyes, only to be met with the sight of a white ceiling. Looking to your right, you looked out the window and saw the sun high in the sky. You instantly felt the cold dread grip you tightly. Where was Nina? Was she safe? What had happened after your fall? Your attempts at organizing your thoughts failed miserably, as your brain felt like scrambled eggs. It did not take long before the door opened, and a nurse stepped in to ask how you were feeling. After informing you about the concussion you had received, and just how you had ended up in the hospital (apparently a man taking his dog out for a morning walk had found your bruised body on the ground and called the hospital.) She also served you breakfast.

It was later in the day that you received a visitor. You had wondered why you hadn’t heard anything from your parents, and you were not allowed to leave the bed, so you couldn’t call them. But the visitor was willing to tell you what had happened.  
He looked like a hawk. Narrow eyes with a nose that could easily look like the beak of said bird. It looked like he was balding as well, as his black hair did nothing to cover his forehead. ‘’My name is Heinrich Lunge.’’ The man introduced himself, ‘’I am a police inspector of BKA. I understand if you wonder why I am here. Your nurse told me that she did not fill you in on what has happened, as she did not want to shock you, so I will be the on to tell you.’’  
You furrowed your brows, ‘’What happened?’’  
‘’I regret to inform you that your classmate Nina Fortner is currently missing, and that her parents have been found murdered in their home.’’


	6. What Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1200 words looks like a lot in word and then I post it here and suddenly I feel bad for writing ONLY 1200 words. Also found out that it wasnt a college but a university in the beginning of the story, ill change it later

It was on a bleak, rainy day that you were released from the hospital. Your parents had come to pick you up, and your mother sat with you on the backseat while you cried. Inspector Lunge, who had come to interview you in the hospital, had explained why an officer from the BKA was on a simple murder case. It turns out that he believed the murder of Nina’s parents, along with a murder that happened at Heidelberg Castle the same night, was connected to the string of murders of middle-aged couples that had been happening in Germany for some time now.  
As you were found near Heidelberg Castle, he wanted to know if you had anything to contribute to the case. You didn’t tell him the truth. Even if you were suspicious of the man who had dragged Nina away, you still got the feeling that she did not fear him, and therefore he probably wasn’t the culprit. Or maybe he was, but it was done in self-defense. You had no clue. While you fed inspector Lunge a lie about you taking a walk and falling down the hill by accident, you noticed his fingers tapping away on his leg. It perfectly mimicked the way you would write on a computer. After a couple of questions about your night at Heidelberg Castle, along with some about your relationship with Nina and her parents, he thanked you for your time and turned to leave.  
‘’One last question. You did not, by any chance, happen to see an Japanese man with black hair?’’  
Oh, so he wasn’t Chinese. ‘’No, sorry, I don’t recall seeing anybody like that around these parts.’’ That had been the end of the conversation. 

The next couple of days were… indescribable. You felt as though you had gone completely numb. There was no light to be seen, only the sad truth. Nina was gone, and her parents were dead. You had no idea were she had gone and if she was even still alive. Clara and Beate had visited you one day. You remembered sitting in the living room with them while they were crying. You couldn’t. When you had left the hospital, you had felt this intense pain in your chest. Now there was nothing. It just felt like you were carrying a weight. But somehow a small sting managed to make itself present, when you noticed that their support meant nothing to you. They had come to visit you while they were mourning themselves, and yet you did not feel grateful at all. 

You had not come to school for a week. You couldn’t stand the thought of simply continuing your life as if nothing had happened. They days passed by as you stayed in bed, barely able to get up and eat something. Your parents did their best to help you through this time, bringing dinner in bed and letting you stay home as long as you wanted.  
One day, your parents had come home, with smiles on their face.  
‘’We thought that perhaps it would be good for you to be out of Heidelberg for a while, so, if you’re up for it, we’ve arranged a trip to your aunts’ house in Düsseldorf. We know that it can be extremely hard for you to get out of bed, but perhaps it would help if you stayed with her for a while and relax. Try doing some mundane tasks like helping her out in the garden or read a good book.’’ Your father tried to convince you too, ‘’Of course, it’s up to you whether or not to go, but I think you know that you can’t let your life go on standby like this. It’s okay to cry and mourn but you must never let it take over your life. Isn’t that what you thought back when you were younger and your depression was much worse that its been these past few years? You said it yourself back then – doing small task through the day always prevented that uncomfortable feeling of wasting your life away. Perhaps a small vacation is just what you need.’’  
They were right. Staying in a city with nothing to remind you of Nina might make it easier to actually get outside for some fresh air. You certainly needed it after having been holed up in your room for so long.  
‘’Sounds good.’’

You spent the 3 hour-long ride to Düsseldorf looking out the window of the car. It was nice to hear your parents chattering excitedly with each other in the front, it made your mood just a tad better. You felt a soft smile creeping onto your face, as you gazed at the waves in the field that were brought forth by the wind.  
The view was beautiful.

Your aunts’ house was a small cottage. It was a small distance away from the center of Düsseldorf, but you knew your aunt had a bicycle you could borrow if you ever wanted to go visit the town. Your parents took care of unloading your luggage from the car as you made your way inside the garden to greet your aunt. The garden was wonderful, as it always had been. The flowers and plants were thriving, and the fish in the little pond were energetic and colorful, swimming around without a care in the world. A small figure was hunched over a small flower, her face hidden by the large straw hat placed on her head. She must have heard you walk over, as she turned to you, letting you see her wrinkled face light up as she saw you. ‘’Oh my, I knew you were gonna come, but it’s always such a delight to see my little girl again.’’ She stood up and give you a big hug, ‘’I’m so terribly sorry to hear about what happened. I can’t do much for you, but you’re welcome to stay here as long as you like.’’ She cupped your face in her hands as she gave you a soft smile. You placed your own hands on top of hers. Took a breath, and let it out.

‘’While you’re in town, could you make sure to pick up a package at the post office sweetie?’’ your aunt yelled after you, as you dragged your bicycle to the road.  
‘’Yeah, I’ll do that. I’m not sure when I get home though.’’  
‘’That is fine dear. Take as long as you like.’’  
Balancing the bicycle with one hand, you raised the other to return your aunts wave, as you rode to town. You had finally managed to find the motivation required to get out the house, if only for a little bit. You could not forget what had happened just yet, but you couldn’t continue staying in a slump forever. When you drove past enormous fields, the world felt so big, and you felt so small. It brought you comfort, and made you feel like you were in a whole ‘nother world, cut off from the original one. Lost in your daydreams, you did not notice the rock laying on the road, and ran over it. You swerved on your bicycle before you lost balance and fell on the ground.  
You had bruised your right arm, as it had shielded your face on the way down. It didn’t look too bad at first but after a few minutes it started to swell and you figured that wasn’t a good sign. When you finally made it to town, a kind passerby pointed you in the direction of the hospital.  
It only took a little while before your arm had been looked at and fixed. You had sprained it and it would need to rest for a few days, but other than that it was totally fine. Walking down a long hall, you were heading for the exit. You should probably just pick up that package now and maybe get something to eat on a café.  
And then he came around the corner. Your jaw went slack as you stared at the black-haired man walking down the hall – he had yet to notice you. It was when he looked up from the papers in his hand that he noticed you. His reaction was the exact same as yours.  
‘’IT’S YOU!’’


	7. Five Months/Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to cling to the original story, as I want a chance to focus on reader's own journey. This means that I'll make up characters that are a part of reader's 'route'. One thing I really like about Monster is that even the minor characters are written in such a way that they feel 'real', and not just like plot devices. I hope to be able to do the same with mine.  
> It took fucking 7 chapters but we're finally leaving Heidelberg for good. Introducing the absolute longest chapter yet at 4200 words

Frozen. That’s how you could describe both you and him. There he stood, the man you had seen dragging Nina away, holding a clipboard and wearing the customary white coat, signaling his position as a doctor at the hospital. Everything about this meeting was messed up. Why was he here? Where was Nina? Why did you have to run into him at the place where you were supposed to forget Nina and all your worries for a time? But you couldn’t let this opportunity pass you by. He had to know something and you were gonna find out what it was, even if you had to use force.   
You silently dared him to escape, as you narrowed your eyes and shot him a glare, ‘’I think we have something we should talk about, don’t we?’’ 

You were both quiet. After having seated yourself at a table near the windows, you were left wondering what to say. The man was silent, staring down at his intertwined fingers with a solemn expression. Looking out the window, where the trees’ green leaves shook in the wind, you made up your mind.  
‘’Is Nina safe?’’  
He clenched his hands. Not a good sign. Not a good sign at all.  
‘’I don’t know for certain, but the last time I saw her, she was physically unharmed.’’   
A moment of silence ensued.  
‘’How do you know Anna?’’  
‘’Anna?’’  
‘’Nina’s real name.’’  
Real name? Had she been using a fake one? And for what purpose?  
‘’I’m her…- Well, I used to be her classmate before she disappeared. I want to know where she is. You have to tell me! I know no one else who can help me with…-‘’  
‘’I understand that it must have been hard to deal with all this’’, he interrupted you, ‘’But it’s not safe. I can’t let you get involved in this. I don’t even know where she is at the moment.’’  
You slammed your hands on the table, wincing at the searing pain in your right arm, causing the man in front of you to jump slightly in his seat, ‘’But you have to know something! Please, you don’t understand at all. I have to find Nina, I have to, I just…’’ You slumped down into your seat, ‘’…I don’t know what I’ll do without her. Not knowing whether she’s safe or dead, or tortured, or, or… I DON’T KNOW! Please, just… tell me something.’’ You gazed at him with pleading eyes, ‘’She’s my only friend.’’ He was looking at the surface of the table.  
‘’You’ve heard of the murders of middle-aged couples across Germany, right?’’  
‘’Huh? Yeah, I have. This BKA inspector named Lunge mentioned those too.’’  
His head shot up fast enough to give you a shock, ‘’Lunge? You’ve talked with inspector Lunge from the BKA?’’  
‘’Yeah, I fell when I was chasing you and Nina, and I hit my head so hard that it knocked me out. I was brought to a hospital, and he interviewed me there. It’s because of that murderer of that gardener at Heidelberg castle.’’  
‘’Ah, I see…’’ His head lowered once again, ‘’…I want you to understand how dangerous this is. Nina is chasing someone extremely dangerous and is probably going to try and kill him.’’  
‘’WHAT? Kill someone? That’s…-‘’ He shushed you, and gestured to the people passing your table, who had turned to face you after your shout. This wasn’t exactly a conversation that either of you wanted anyone else to hear, so you quickly closed your mouth and waited for the man to continue.   
‘’I need you to understand just how dangerous this is! The one Nina is chasing is the mastermind behind all those murdered couples. If you are dead set on following Nina, those murders would be the place to start, but the chance of running into her is not very big.’’  
‘’I’ll take that chance. Thanks for your help. I really appreciate it… Oh, I still don’t know your name.’’  
For the first time, he gave small smile.   
‘’It’s Kenzo Tenma.’’

Having said your forlorn goodbyes, you walked down the street, still processing the info you had been given. You had info. Your questions had been partly answered, but new ones had arisen. What where you going to do now?

It was about halfway home you remembered the package you were supposed to pick up, that you had forgotten. Great. 

 

You returned to your aunt’s house, with a sprained hand and no package. Your aunt wasn’t pleased, but that was mostly because of your arm, and not because of the forgotten package.   
‘’Honestly, you just went out to have a small trip to the town, and you come home with a sprained hand? This trip was supposed to be relaxing for you and then this happens. Dear child, the world isn’t on your side today.’’  
Oh, it might not have been, but that was all going to change soon. In the meantime, you would spend your next couple of days preparing. Fortunately, your aunt had a computer you could use. Spending the day with your aunt, helping her weed the garden and prepare dinner, you soon found yourself the only person in the house who was still awake, as the sun had gone down some time ago. Turning on the computer, you winced at the loud start-up noise and the whirring of the fans, hoping it would not wake your aunt. Opening up Webcrawler, the search engine on the computer, you typed out the words and clicked on ‘search’. 

You only stayed three days. Just enough to make your parents believe that you had managed to relax. But that was far from the truth.   
The trip home was vastly different than the trip there. When you had arrived, you had been exhausted, devoid of emotions, and barely able to feel the slightest shred of hope. Now, you had a plan and the will to carry it out. No matter what it would take. You could not waste any time. Leaning forward, you poked your head out between the front seats of the car, getting your parents attention.   
‘’Hey, I know I just had three wonderful days at my aunts’ house and I really appreciate it, but would it be possible for me to have the house for my self tonight? Maybe Clara and Beate could come and we could hang out, talk about what happened. I feel like we should stick together when we’re obviously all affected this much by it. You know, make it a sort of girls’ night.’’  
Your dad turned to you, your mother unable to do so as she was driving, he seemed happy to hear your suggestion, ‘’That sounds just swell. I’m glad to hear that you finally want to hang out with those sweet girls. I know you were in shock at the beginning, but it will definitely do you good to finally accept the support you are offered. I’ll just take your ma out for a nice dinner in town; maybe we’ll even go to the cinema. You just have fun tonight, and we’ll make sure to be out of your hair.’’ Perfect. 

It was still light out when you returned home, but you managed to convince your parents to have a nice day in town, instead of just a night. When the door finally closed after them, you got to work. Getting out a suitcase, you started packing your clothes and other necessities. When that was finished, you went into the office, where you know the safe was. There was an unbroken trust in your family, and you were going to break it today. Typing in the safe code, you took a bit of the money out and placed it in your bag. It would be enough to last you for a while, but then you would have to get a job afterwards. Your parents would definitely be able to survive even if you took a bit more, but you had already violated their trust, breaking into their safe and everything and you did not want to let your parents down any more than necessary. When you had finally made sure that you packed everything, the sky had gone red, signaling the end of the day. You had to catch the bus out to the Heidelberg train station.   
You exited your house, keeping your eyes cast downwards as you turned around to lock the door. You dropped your keys in shock when you heard someone say your name from behind you. You quickly dropped down on you knees to get the keys while the stranger continued, ‘’You’re leaving already? Didn’t ya just come back from Düsseldorf?’’  
It was Peter. You were left without words. Why was he here? At your house? In front of you? Where there any other ways to describe his position?   
‘’You alright? You not gonna answer me or anything? What, did you forget how handsome I am and now you’re simply frozen in shock? I wouldn’t be surprised.’’ He wore a smug expression while his arms were crossed in front of him. No words could describe how wrong he was. There you were, running away from home to follow your classmate who was in big danger, and he was talking about how ‘handsome’ he was? You couldn’t handle this right now.   
You grabbed your bag and went around him, heading towards the bus stop. Peter, however, had other plans. He grabbed your arm as you tried to pass him, ‘’Seriously, what is up with you? I know you make it a point to be rude to me every time you can, but that’s usually in the form of mean comments, not by blatantly ignoring me. I thought you were feeling better. I met your parents out in town, and they told me you were home and looking much better than before you left so I wanted to give you a visit. And it’s probably a good thing that I did, you honestly don’t seem that well.’’ He tried to make eye-contact, but you refused to meet his eyes with your own, which were slowly becoming damper and damper. Your arms starting shaking slightly and Peter definitely noticed it, with the way he grabbed your shoulders and turned you to face him, ‘’What is happening? You have to tell me or I can’t help you.’’  
You could feel the tears welling up in your eyes, the reality of the situation finally hitting you head-on. You had hoped that your newfound feeling of determination would have overshadowed your fear and insecurity, but now you could feel your brave face crackling and falling off in front of your classmate. Your lips quivered, as you struggled to get the words out.  
‘’I have to go, Peter.’’  
‘’Go? Go where?’’  
‘’To find Nina. I might be able to track her down, but it’s going to be dangerous.’’, you took a sharp breath, ‘’...And, and, I know this might seem like a stupid idea, but I have to! I know that we should just leave this to the police, and I’ll probably just get myself killed but I…-‘’, Peter interrupted your blabbering before you could continue, ‘’Woah, woah, woah! What’s all this about getting killed? And you can track down Nina? Why haven’t you told us? Why are you planning on going all by yourself?!’’   
You shook your head as tears started trailing down your cheeks, ‘’I don’t want to expose you to danger. And I know you don’t want me to go because it’s dangerous for me too, but I have to!’’  
‘’WHY do you have to?’’  
‘’Because I LIKE HER, Peter! You can’t even comprehend how much she means to me. I have to go- do you- do you understand?’’ You finally looked him in the eye, tears streaming down your cheeks and you could feel a bit of snot just around the opening of your left nostril. Peter’s eyes were wide as he looked at the display in front of him, processing your words, before finally managing to utter a question.  
‘’Like… like her?’’   
‘’Yeah, just like you do.’’  
‘’Oh…’’ He went quiet. Real quiet. Quiet enough to make you consider running away and just forget this whole interaction.   
‘’So, are you like, a homo?’’  
Wanting to both laugh and cry at his unexpected question, you settled for a sigh as you answered him, ‘’No, it’s a bit different from that Peter.’’  
‘’How so?’’  
‘’I like boys too.’’  
This was clearly not what he had expected, you could tell. His whole body conveyed his confusion, and you wished you had the time to explain, as he actually didn’t seem disgusted by you, but you didn’t have the time. The bus was leaving in seven minutes, and you absolutely had to catch it.   
‘’Look, Peter, I’d love to explain it, but I really gotta catch the bus.’’  
That seemed to snap Peter out of it. As your made your way towards the road you heard him yell for you to wait. You stopped on the spot and look at him.  
‘’Look, I really don’t understand any of this but I want you to promise me two things.’’  
‘’What?’’  
‘’I want you to promise that both you and Nina will come back home safe, and then I want you to promise me that no matter how close you manage to get with Nina during all of this, you’ll still let me ask her out for a date when you both get back!’’  
Once again, he managed to surprise you. You let out a light laugh, feeling the tension slowly dissolve and slowly be replaced by a light feeling of joy in your chest.  
‘’You have my word Peter.’’

 

You opened your eyes slowly, letting them adjust to the sunlight coming in through the window. The hotel room was small, but cozy, and the bed was so warm. Wrapped in a cocoon made of your blanket, the edge of the bed seemed so far away. But it was time to get up. You had a plan – you couldn’t let yourself screw it up on day one. The plan, as simple as it was due to limited information, was to learn how to defend yourself, before going after Nina. This town had a shooting range and that’s where you would learn how to handle a gun.   
Having never been at a shooting range before, you didn’t know what to expect, as you walked in. You were given the equipment, as they gave you instructions on what to do, how to aim, and the likes. Your first shot didn’t go to well, you were totally off the target. The next shot, and the one after that weren’t any better. Taking off the headphones, you wiped the sweat off your forehead that had gathered due to your embarrassment. The group of men looking at you, who were clearly not impressed by your shooting, made you quite uncomfortable. You did not like it when people looked at you as you attempted to do something for the first time. Especially since they didn’t even bother to hide their amusement at your failed attempts.   
‘’Hey, girly, why don’t you get outta here and leave all this violence to the men? I doubt you’d manage to tame a gun with dainty hands like yours.’’  
Your cheeks burned in embarrassment at the rude comment, as they laughed obnoxiously.   
‘’Honestly Hans, I doubt you have any right to say such things when you were even worse off when you tried shooting for the first time. And for what reason did you suddenly have all the time in the world to practice? Oh yeah, wasn’t it because your wife took your kid and left you for another man? That certainly left you with a lot of time to pursue your hobby.’’  
The men quickly stopped laughing and glared at the newcomer. It was a woman. She looked to be rather old, as her skin was wrinkled and her hair was grey, and yet she was nothing like any other old woman you had ever seen before. She obviously worked out a lot, as she was big and muscly with wide shoulders. Her face and arms bore several small scars, and she displayed them proudly. Her nose was crooked, as if it had been broken once or twice. Her grey hair was short and wild, her dark green eyes were fixed on the group of men who had tried to humiliate you just a few seconds ago. Now, they had scuffled together, as if the elderly woman was a threat not to be taken lightly.   
‘’Oh c’mon Mila, don’t be like that, I was just joking.’’  
‘’Well, I wasn’t.’’   
Her answer left the men speechless, and deciding the conversation was no longer interesting, she shifted her gaze to you. She came closer and looked at the holes your earlier shots had left in the wall, way off target.  
‘’Give me your gun.’’  
Wordlessly, you obeyed her request and let her take the gun out of your hands, before she quickly got in the perfect stance and shot three times. When she was done, you could see that she had managed to hit the target all three times right in the middle.   
‘’And that’s how it’s done. Think you could pull it off?’’  
Absolutely not. You had barely even gotten started and she wanted you to land three perfect shots? Not happening. You shook your head.  
‘’Then let me ask you this; why do you want to be able to handle a gun?’’  
‘’…There’s someone I have to protect.’’  
You could feel her looking at you, trying to figure something out, but you weren’t sure what it was.   
‘’Then a shooting range won’t do you much good. Let me train you.’’

You were quick to accept her offer. Mila turned out to be a local celebrity, as everyone greeted her, when you were walking down the street towards her house. Turned out she had lived here for quite some time, and had quickly managed to become the ‘hero’ of the neighborhood, always standing up for those who couldn’t themselves.   
‘’I don’t care much for those people who make others feel bad about themselves. They’re certainly no better than us, yet they’ve somehow come to the conclusion that they are. Hans and his friends are just old men who obviously think themselves to be better than us women. Probably why all of them are either divorced or single. You just gotta let them know your mind and they’ll leave you alone though. They’re quick to back off if you let them know you won’t take their bullshit.’’  
The way she walked, the way she talked, everything about her radiated confidence. Not a confidence based on the vain belief of being superior, but rather the confidence one would gain by being completely honest and at peace with themself.   
She let you stay at her house so you wouldn’t have to worry about living expenses. She helped you land a job at the local butcher, another person whom she appeared to be rather close with. The lady in the butcher-store, Sofia, was another sweet old lady who had opened up her business many years ago, and it had managed to become something of a well-known location. She was more than happy to hire you, and promised you a good pay. When you weren’t working, Mila kept you busy with various exercises, both physical training and teaching you how to handle a gun. Mila was definitely one of the nicest people you had met, but not when she was training you. She barked orders and you tried your best to keep up with her, even when your muscles started to burn and you had sweat dripping down your face.   
It was after the first three weeks, that it started to feel a bit easier. It was also about this time that you noticed a change in Mila. She was usually talkative and open, but the last few days, she had been oddly quiet. You didn’t want to pry, but at the same time you desperately wanted to know what was going on.   
It was during one of your quiet evenings that you asked her.  
‘’Is anything bothering you? I’ve noticed that you’ve been kinda quiet these past few days.’’  
She didn’t even look up from her book as she answered, ‘’It’s nothing big. I’m just thinking about the past. I was assaulted around this time about 30 years ago.’’  
Oh, you probably shouldn’t have asked, ‘’Oh, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to pry…’’  
‘’Did I say it felt like you did? No, I wanted to tell you. If you’re curious I don’t mind talking about it.’’  
You were kind of curious, but at the same time it felt rude to ask her to continue.   
Ignoring your silence, she continued; ‘’I wasn’t very open about who I was back then, you know.’’  
You cocked your head to the side, ‘’What do you mean?’’  
‘’I’m not into men. I knew it even back then, but I was scared of course. Being open about it could easily bring you in trouble, so I was very careful about who I told it to. But apparently, I wasn’t careful enough. I don’t know who sold me out, but one day while heading home from university, a group of people ganged up on me.’’ Still looking at her book, her face was devoid of emotion, as if talking about these memories did nothing to her, ‘’Many of them had knives, and some had wooden bats.’’ She finally put down the book and raised her arms, ‘’That’s how I got all these scars. ’They tried to kill me, but I fought back. I survived. I sent four of them to the hospital. The rest of them fled after the fourth guy went down. As I watched them flee, my arms and my face littered with bleeding wounds, I swore to myself that I would never stop fighting back. If anyone ever tries to defy me or who I am, I will not let myself be stopped by these hateful people. I decided to train my body, learn how to defend myself. Since that day, I’ve never tried to hide who I am, but of course I haven’t just openly announced it to everyone I’ve met afterwards.’’   
She was a person to be admired. The confidence she had carried herself with daily, was simply another thing that made her who she was.   
‘’All this goes for you too. If you have some problem with me then you’re free to leave and go back to the shooting range.’’   
You realized that your continued silence might have come off as you being too disgusted for words.   
‘’No… I understand how it feels.’’  
She raised an eyebrow at you.  
‘’I’ve gone through something similar.’’ 

You stayed with her for five months in total. She might have been a bit rough, but she was probably the best teacher you could have ended up with. By the end of it, your muscles had become much more visible, and you rarely missed the target when you shot your gun. A tiny scar decorated your bicep, one that you had gained after a nasty fall down a hill while you were out jogging.   
Working with Sofia had been a delight. She was always comforting to be around, and you obviously weren’t the only one who thought this. Besides just being well liked throughout the neighborhood, you noticed that your teacher had taken quite a fancy to her. Teasing Mila about it only caused her to make your workout for the day twice as hard, so you didn’t do it too often. During those five months, you had become so used to being around Sofia and Mila. You definitely weren’t looking forward to saying goodbye, but you had a person you longed to see, so as soon as Mila gave you her approval, you were leaving. And that moment was now.   
You grabbed your bags as you saw the train coming. Mila was there too to see you off. Goodbyes had already been exchanged, and neither of you said anything as you got onboard the train. Once you were on it though, you heard her call your name, and you faced her one last time as she spoke.  
‘’I wish that you will never be forced to shoot that gun, even after I’ve spent so long training you. It’s bullshit that one must take to these kind of methods to protect themselves, but there are cruel people out there. People who will say that you’re not allowed in this world, that you are wrong. But you must remember that this place is your home. This is the world we were born into. And you must always remember this. ’’  
Her eyes had that glint in them, and her stance was full of confidence, as she spoke her final words to you, just as the doors were closing.   
**''There is no place in this world where we do not belong.''**

You looked out the window of the door, keeping eye contact with Mila as long as you could before the train started rolling. Before you finally went after Nina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mila's backstory was originally supposed to be a bit different. In the original version, she was supposed to have had a girlfriend who was killed during the assault and thats why Mila learned self-defense, but I figured I'd rather not play into the ''Bury your gays''-trope. Instead, I tried to make her story one about accepting yourself and how it is possible to be who you truly are without being hated or hating yourself.


	8. ''The Baby''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a small break to start another fanfic that I've wanted to write for a while now. Comments are appreciated <3\. I tried the 'rich text' setting for this chapter instead of 'HTML'. Please tell me if you prefer this version in the future, if it even makes a difference.

Your parents hadn’t taken the news well. After having arrived in Stuttgart, you had decided to give them a call. You knew they wouldn’t approve of what you had done, but it was important that they knew you were still alive and well. At first, they demanded that you come home, but after a rather long discussion, they had hesitantly and begrudgingly accepted it. Of course, if they could force you to obey them, they would have you abandon your plan completely and return home, but they knew they couldn’t do that.

‘’Just make sure to call us every once in a while, so that we know that you’re doing okay. And if you’re in some sort of pinch, then call us. If you’re really going to follow through with this, then we want you to at least use all the sources of support you have.’’

You promised to do so.

 

It was after you had arrived to Verden, the town where a recent murder of a middle-aged couple had taken place, that you called them again to give them another update on your situation. That was all it was supposed to be.

‘’Nina called.’’

Your face blanched, as your father continued talking, ‘’I was very surprised, but it seems that she too is out following something, just as you said. She made us promise that we wouldn’t tell anyone about this, as she didn’t want her friends to find out. But it seems that she wanted to talk to you.’’

‘’And? What did you tell her?’’

‘’It might not have been what you wanted, but we figure that we should tell her that you are trying to catch up to her. She wasn’t too happy about that, but she told us to tell you this; She is heading for Frankfurt, looking for someone called ‘The Baby’. She didn’t tell us who ‘The Baby’ is, and I’ve certainly never heard that name before, so you’ll have to figure it out yourself.’’

 

You hadn’t even managed to investigate the murder and you already had to head to Frankfurt. The old lady who had been so nice to rent you the apartment, that you were currently staying in, would probably be a little miffed, but you couldn’t waste any time. When you had called her and explained the situation, you grabbed your bag and dragged it down the stairs.

On your way to the train station, you accidentally bumped into a rather short man, as he came out from an alleyway that you passed. He kind of looked like a mouse, or perhaps a rat, with his huge front teeth that stuck out of his mouth even when it was closed.

‘’Hey! Watch were you’re going! I nearly dropped my cherry! Hmph, youngsters these days.’’

You barely had time to apologize, before he had passed to the other side of the street. Better just to ignore it, and continue to the station.

 

You had to figure out where you could find ‘The Baby’, and then you should be able to find Nina. Shouldn’t be so hard.

 

Okay, fuck this.

This had been a bad idea. Turns out this ‘Baby’-guy was some sort of important figure in the underground world, which some broad from a shady bar had been nice enough to tell you, after having tried to assault you. But you should have expected that. ‘Normal’ people don’t just go around asking questions about people like him, without raising suspicion. He had seen you as a threat, and had attempted to beat it into you, that it was none of your business. That’s also why you were so glad that Mila had trained you. While suffering only a few injuries yourself, you had managed to beat the guy until his face was black and purple. He didn’t know too much about ‘The Baby’, but he had heard the name being mentioned when he had visited certain bars, specifically one that prostitutes frequented in order to find costumers.

 

The neon sign lit up the night, the ‘C’ in ‘Candy’ flickering repeatedly. You didn’t really want to enter the bar. The men who walked around gave you predatory stares, and if you entered you feared that you might be mistaken for a prostitute and you really didn’t want to deal with that kind of attention. If you were lucky, it wouldn’t even be necessary to walk in. Prostitutes usually needed a license to do business, but the guy you had beaten up had informed you that ‘The Baby’s’’ permission would be enough if it was granted. Ergo, you would ask around between the prostitutes to see if any of them had any idea of how to meet him.

‘’Don’t you think you’re a bit young for this kinda job? I wouldn’t feel good, letting such a young woman like you into this business. You still have a whole life ahead of you, don’t waste it here.’’

Her short brown and curly hair bounced, as the prostitute shook her head at you. She was the only one that you had managed to talk to, who wanted to tell you about ‘The Baby’. She didn’t seem to care much, when you told her that you weren’t looking for a job, but rather just the person.

‘’Listen kid, it won’t do you any good to make contact with ‘im. If you’re not here to make him some money, then he doesn’t want anything to do with ya’. And you should be grateful for that. This guy’s a right-winger you know? A big-shot at that. If one of those turks show their face around here, he’ll make sure to sic some of his men on ‘im. I don’t know why you wanna talk to ‘im, but it can’t be so important that you’ll risk your life for it. That’s just dumb.’’

She stiffened, and you saw a shadow behind you.

‘’Who’s your little friend here, Janina? Is she new to the business? I would be willing give her a taste of what the job is like before she goes all in.’’

You could feel the hair at your neck bristling, as the man leaned down to look you straight in the eyes, as he spoke. You suddenly felt someone pull on your arm, and you were yanked behind Janina, as she placed herself between you and the perverted male.

‘’I’m terribly sorry to disappoint you, Joachim, but she was just leaving, and she ain’t into this business anyway.’’ Janina replied with a sickly sweet smile to the man named Joachim. This answer didn’t seem to please him, as he roughly grabbed ahold of Janinas’ hair.

‘’What, you’re gonna play savior now? I ain’t gonna be rough with her, I’m just gonna show her the ropes.’’

‘’And I told you, she’s not into this business!’’ Janina yelled back.

‘’Is there some sort of problem, sir?’’

A man in a suit, with the biggest forehead you had ever seen, had placed his hand on Joachims’ shoulder. Joachim quickly let go of Janines’ hair and turned around to face the man.

‘’Y-yeah, this whore was being rude, not letting me talk to her little friend over there.’’

He pointed at you, and the other mans’ gaze followed until he made eye contact with you.

‘’I see. But we cannot allow people to assault our prostitutes, merely because they were a bit rude. It would only make it harder for this woman to get costumers, and we simply can’t have that.’’

Joachim appeared slightly shocked that the other man did not agree with him, but was quick to hide it, and let both Janine and you pass him, as the other man made a gesture for you to follow him. Seems like you had finally found someone who could get you closer to your target.

 

‘’So, explain what happened out there Janine.’’

He had led both of you to a room in the back of the bar, which was decorated with multiple trinkets, some of which you recognized, such as the Egyptian Eye of Horus on the carpet and the small Buddha statue on the dresser. Everything looked like something from a foreign country, and it was hardly anything you would find in Germany. It was probably a collection or something.

‘’Ah, well, this girl just wanted to talk to me, and then Joachim came and he must ‘ave thought that she’s one of us, because he wanted to have a round with ‘er, but… I know we’re not supposed to be rude to the costumers and I’m terribly sorry sir, but I just couldn’t…-‘’

‘’It’s quite alright Janine. In fact, we were waiting for this young woman to show up.’’

They were waiting for you? How in the world would they know about you?

‘’Sir, I don’t quite understand…-‘’

‘’Everything is under control, Janine. Do not worry, this young woman is our guest and will be treated kindly. Now, I will look past this little mishap and let you get back to your business.’’

Janine shot you a worried look, and you gave her a small nod to show her that it was okay for her to leave you. As the door closed behind her, you turned your attention to the man.

‘’You were waiting for me?’’

His expression revealed nothing, ‘’Yes. We are waiting for another important guest, who would very much like to see you. In the meantime, the boss would like to have a word with you. Please, make yourself comfortable while you wait.’’

He then left the room. You slipped your hand into the inner pocket of your jacket, tracing the outline of the gun with your fingers. It was a gift from Mila.

_‘’This is a good one that you will help you greatly, once you get used to it. Always remember, that even if you only whip it out as a threat, you must be prepared to shoot it at any given moment. You can’t always be sure that they’ll just be passive, there’s always a chance that they will fight back, and if you’re not prepared for it, it will most likely not end in your favor. Always be prepared to shoot without hesitation.’’_

Mila’s words echoed in your head. You were prepared for this. This was no longer training. You were literally waiting for a crazy right-winger to walk into the room. He could easily have you disposed of, if you offended him. No, no, you couldn’t let yourself get lost in negative thoughts. You scratched a small wound on your arm, that you had gotten from the man from the shady bar.

Your hand jolted, and your nail scratched a hole in the wound, as you noticed quiet footsteps behind you. Out from behind a curtain came a… _very_ small man dressed in a purple suit, his fancy shoes making click-clack noises against the stone floor, as he made his way to you.

‘’Good evening, miss. I am so very delighted that you could join me this evening.’’

He spoke with a relaxed tone, obviously in his element. He had power, whereas you had none, and he knew it. The fact that he expected your visit showed this.

‘’I hear that I was expected?’’ You said, a sorry attempt at dominating the conversation in your favor.

‘’That is very true. I know everything, you see. You stopped showing up at school after your classmate, Nina Fortner, disappeared.’’ Your ears parked at the mention of Nina’s name, ‘’You were seen in Düsseldorf, and then you returned home. But you did still not show up at school and were not seen around Heidelberg the days following your return home. However, your parents did not report you missing, which meant that you had gone somewhere, most likely chasing after your missing classmate, and here you are.’’

‘’And why am I _here_?’’

He grabbed a gramophone record, looking over the cover as he answered, ‘’You’re _here_ , because we are expecting another guest, and we want to be absolutely sure that she shows up. She is important bait, and _you_ ’’, he turned to look at you, ‘’are the bait for said bait.’’


	9. Feuernacht

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feuernacht - Firenight. This title was inspired by the Kristallnacht (Crystal Night), which took place in 1938 in Germany. This chapter was hard to write, because I wanted reader to meet everyone, but at the same time they needed to have some reason to separate after it's all over. This chapter was an absolute pain in the bum, so I really hope you enjoy it

The Baby’s house was more like a mansion that a house. You had been brought to a luxurious room, and told to simply wait there.

‘’We will send someone for you, when everything is in place.’’

All you could do was wait. You sat on the queen-sized bed, wringing your hands. You felt restless. You did not know what they wanted with Nina, but if they were right-wingers, then it could only be for something bad. You had been so nervous and caught up in planning your every move in order not to annoy The Baby, that you completely forgot to ask about it.

Luckily, they had not noticed your gun. This gave you an advantage.

 

The hours passed by, the big mansion totally silent. If only you knew what was going to happen, then you could use the time to make a plan, but you were clueless. Once again, your fingers found their way to the gun in your pocket, tracing it absentmindedly, seeking comfort in knowing that it was right there, in case you should need it. You could feel yourself getting drowsy. You had been up the entire night, but you couldn’t allow yourself to fall asleep here.

Suddenly, you heard something. It was very quiet at first, almost impossible to hear, but then it got closer. Quiet footsteps, muffled by the carpet placed in the long hall, were making their way towards your room. Whoever it was outside, was walking slowly, you noted, almost as if they were out taking a walk in the forest, walking slowly to make sure they had time to look at everything. You quickly stood, one hand on the gun, ready for someone to walk through the door.

But they did not enter you room. They did stop in front your room for just a second, but then continued walking at a leisurely pace. When you could no longer hear the footsteps, you decided to take a peek outside the door.

The hallway was empty. Whoever had passed your door was long gone. Looking out a window you could see that the sky was bright now, whereas it had been a dark black when you had arrived.

All of a sudden, you could hear someone running on the floor above you. You followed the noise to the best of your ability, managing to find a staircase to the upper floor. The gun was lukewarm, but at the same time it felt cold in your hands. You had spent months preparing for this, you could not let yourself fail due to your nerves. You were just about to round a corner, when someone ran into you, causing you to on your behind. You quickly pointed the gun forwards, at the person who had run into you.

 

At first, you noticed the small handgun that was pointed at your face. Then, you looked past it and saw a familiar face.

‘’NINA?!’’ 

The she sat, wearing the most revealing dress you had ever seen, and a big white fur coat. She too had her gun ready, but had fortunately not pulled the trigger. She mumbled your name softly, as you both stared at each other. Then she dropped the gun and lunged at you, causing you to fall down on your back with her on top of you. You returned the hug, both of you shaking slightly from shock.

‘’You’re okay!? I thought they had hurt you. When I met The Baby, he told me that they had gotten hold of you, and that I had to stay here, or else… ‘’ Her shoulders shook, ‘’They killed Ayse. I was so scared, what if they were just lying about you being safe?’’

You rubbed her back soothingly. You didn’t know what to say. After all this time, she was finally right here, right in your arms. Could you convince her to go home with you? _Could_ she actually go home? You didn’t know what to say, as she laid in your arms, dampening your shoulder with her tears.

‘’….Who is Ayse?’’

Smooth, real smooth, but it seemed to trigger something in Nina. She lifted her head from your shoulder to look at your face.

‘’The Turkish district! They’re gonna torch it! We have to stop them.’’

‘’The Turkish..- Woah!’’

You let out a small scream as Nina yanked you up from the floor, and ran with you in tow.

‘’I’ve already checked all the other rooms. Everyone in this mansion but us two has been killed. We need to get to the district, but there’s something I have to check out first. I’m sorry to put this on you, but please go to Calvin Street and warn the people there. Can you do that for me?’’

Hesitating for just a moment, you gave her your answer.

‘’Of course! You can count on me!’’

 

Hitchhiking was definitely only something you had seen in movies. Definitely not something you had imagined that you would actually try, ever. Every adult in your life had at some point given the ‘stranger-danger’-talk, and that included never hitchhiking. But here you were, sitting in a stranger’s truck, which had to be slowest vehicle you had ever been in.

‘’Um, I really appreciate that you could give me a ride, but is it possible to go a bit faster?’’

The big man in the drivers seat let out a gruff laugh, ‘’Hahaha, kid, you gotta understand that you have to enjoy the ride, no matter where you’re going. Driving is one of those times where you really get to kick back and relax, while looking at the scenery surrounding you. And furthermore…’’ You tuned him out. This ride would not be enjoyable, but if it meant getting you to Calvin Street, then you could sit through this torture.

 

‘’They’re planning to torch Calvin Street tonight, you have to help me warn them!’’

It was a total coincidence, but you had for some reason the little rat man, whom you had bumped into in Verden, was at Brücken Park. You needed all the help you could get, so it was a relief to see a …somewhat familiar face.

‘’Hey, hey, look now, I don’t know who you are, but you cant just waltz up to me and demand my help…-‘’

‘’I bumped into you in Verden! I remember you saying something about a cherry or whatever, but it doesn’t matter. Listen, these people need to be warned…-‘’

‘’HECKEL!’’

A new voice rang out through the air. A little boy, maybe around 10 years old, ran at full speed towards you. His red hair was straggly and all over the place, and his face was set in an expression of panic. Paying you no attention, he ran up to the rat-man in front of you.

He gasped for air as he spoke, ‘’They- they’re going to burn Calvin Street tonight.’’

‘’Say what now?’’, he turned to look at you, ‘’Looks like you weren’t lying, but what a stroke of luck this is! I can just waltz in and get that rug while everyone is fleeing.’’ He declared with a complacent smirk on his face.

The kid looked outraged at this, ‘Thief!’’ he yelled at Heckel who started shushing the young boy.

‘’Quiet down kid, we don’t need anybody hear you yelling. Not just the residents, I’m talking about those neo-Nazis too. Real thugs, skinheads with swastika tattoos, the kind of people that you definitely don’t wanna get involved… with…’’

Heckel’s speech halted, when several big bodies towered over your little group. Skinheads, one of them with a swastika tattoo on his arm, exactly as Heckel had described. God, you just wanted to go home and sleep.

 

The cloth in your mouth felt disgusting, and smelled the same way. You fought against your restraints, but the rope was bound tightly, allowing no movement. Both Heckel and the kid were in the same situation as you, bound and gagged, sitting on the dirty floor. The skinheads had brought you three to a cellar underneath a big apartment building, and where now discussing amongst themselves. These men must have been working with The Baby, as they too knew of the plan to burn down the neighborhood.

‘’Even though they’re from the pure race, they still are not clean. This building will burn tonight, let them burn with it.’’ The others agreed before one cut in, ‘’ Hey, isn’t she the one The Baby told us to be on the lookout for?’’ He pointed at you, ‘’She was to be brought to him if found.’’

‘’But we’re torching the neighborhood tonight, and The Baby is having his dinner real soon. He’s been very uptight with this thing. I don’t wanna be to one to interrupt him.’’

One of the men, who was wearing a leather jacket, clicked his tongue at the other, ‘’Then we won’t deliver her tonight. We’ll just keep her somewhere else until the plan has been executed.’’

You had the wind knocked out of you, as one of the skinheads hoisted you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and his shoulder hit your stomach. When he turned around to leave, you could see the panicked faces of the man and the boy left behind to burn together with the building you were now leaving.

 

From one cellar to another cellar. You had hoped that you at least wouldn’t have to sit on another cold stone floor, but here you were.

‘’We just need one person to stand guard, to make sure she doesn’t escape. We’ll come back once the big fire has been started.’’

And with that, you were left alone with one of the skinheads, who already looked more interested in playing with his knife than paying attention to you, thankfully. They had tied your hands to a rusty old pipe protruding from the wall. If the situation didn’t terrify you, you might just have chuckled at the cliché of it all. Time to test if one of those clichés actually worked in real life. Shifting your body slightly, you tried to rub the rope against the rusty parts of the metal, hoping it would cut it. It took a while, but you could finally feel the rope loosening around your wrists. Your guard was too absorbed in his knife, and did not see you slowly bringing your hands forth from behind your back, to slip one of them into the inner pocket of your jacket, after having removed the nasty cloth in your mouth.

 

It was when you stood, that the guy finally seemed to grasp that something wasn’t right. He stood up quickly while brandishing his knife, but halted when faced with the barrel of your gun. He looked alarmed at first, but that quickly changed to a stern glare.

‘’What do you hope to accomplish with such a small gun? I fight not just for my own sake, but also for the sake of our race. You are part of the pure race, if you just wait patiently, you will be brought to The Baby with no harm done. What do you hope to gain by this?’’

‘’I don’t give a shit for you neo-Nazis’ ideologies, you fucking piece of shit.’’ You yelled with clear disdain in your voice. He did not seem impressed by your answer.

‘’That is too bad. To think that there are this many pieces scum in our pure race. But I can’t let you leave,’’ he started running towards you, ‘’and YOU WON’T DIE FROM A SMALL WOUND IN THE STOMACH.’’ He pulled his arm back, preparing to stab you.

_‘’Always be prepared to shoot without hesitation.’’_

A shot rang out through the air.

 

The sky was dark, but the fires lit up the street. People were running around in chaos, some doing their best to put out the fires, while others simply fled the scene. The fires were quickly put out with everyone’s help, with only a few people having suffered from burns.

You noticed some of the Turkish men circling around another man, one whom you recognized easily.

In the middle of the circle stood the doctor from Düsseldorf. Kenzo Tenma. The men around him didn’t seem hostile towards him; in fact, they looked quite grateful and were thanking him for warning them about the fires. Good, someone had managed to get the word to them and stop the fires before they got out of hand.

But wait, what, why was he here? How did he know about the fires? Did he get roped into this too somehow? You tried to catch up with him, but it was difficult, as he walked away from the scene quite quickly, and you did not want to call attention to yourself by running, as they probably would be very suspicious of a white female running around the scene of crime.

When you finally managed to catch up with him, you were a bit away from the main street, walking down one of the side streets.

Further ahead, you spotted a small man, whom you recognized as Heckel, the ratthief. He was carrying a rug that almost was as big as he was tall. You were just about to reach out to Tenma, when he speeded up and grabbed Heckel once he reached him.

‘’Heckel! Where’s Dieter?’’

Letting out a ‘yeek’, Heckel turned around to face Tenma coming towards him. So they knew each other too?

‘’Tenma?! And hey, it’s you! That girl from the park! Looks like you managed to escape unscathed.’’

Tenma turned around too, to look at you, and appeared to be even more surprised than Heckel was, at your presence.

‘’I wasn’t expecting to see you here, or rather, I had hoped I wouldn’t see you,’’ Tenma said, with a disapproving look on his face.

‘’Yeah well, you’re here too.’’

His eyes lowered just a bit before he turned to Heckel again, ‘’Tell me where Dieter is!’’

‘’Eh, ah, he’s down at the told factory by the river.’’ He pointed in the direction of the river.

‘’Factory?’’

‘’The wind’s about to pick up from the river. If those Neo-Nazis set fire to the chemical warehouse down there, this place is done for.’’

Just then, there was a sudden strong wind coming from the direction of the river.

 

It guessed that Tenma had undergone some training too, as he took out the Neo-Nazi standing guard near the warehouse rather easily.

‘’Ugh, we’re really only getting ourselves in more trouble messing with these thugs. We should just let those turks handle it themselves.’’

‘’Tie him up Heckel, and tell me where the warehouse is.’’

Your hand inched closer to your pocket. You hadn’t meant to get involved in this scheme, but you weren’t just gonna let them burn down the district, if you could stop it.

‘’You don’t need me anymore, right? I’ll just make my way outta here…-‘’ Heckel hardly got to take two steps before Tenma had grabbed hold of his collar and shook him slightly, ‘’Do you want Dieter to die? Tell me where the warehouse is!’’

‘’Oh c’mon, it’s just down there, ‘’ he pointed, ‘’you should be able to find it yourself. I’m certainly not planning on going with you and…- HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?’’

As soon as you figured out which building he was pointing at, you took off running by yourself. The wind was already here, and there was no time to waste.

 

When you made it inside the warehouse, you saw Nina pointing a gun at yet another Neo-Nazi, who was holding up a lighter in one hand, and that little boy with the red hair from the park standing beside her.

‘’Wait, Nina!’’

They both looked at you, shocked to see anybody else here. You whipped your gun out from your pocket and pointed at the same target as Nina.

‘’You’re the woman who was talking to Heckel in the park!’’ yelled the boy, while Nina had shifted her eyes to the man with the lighter once again.

‘’Wait, don’t shoot! I don’t want you to shoot.’’

‘’And I don’t want you to shoot either, Nina! I’ve already shot one of his buddies, so it’s not like I can turn back at this point.’’

‘’Hmpf, I though we had guard outside, but it doesn’t matter.’’ The man turned on the lighter, and both you and Nina tensed up, both ready to fire at him, when another voice cut through the air.

‘’DON’T SHOOT.’’

Just he had said it, Tenma tackled the man from behind, causing him to drop the lighter on a trail of oil that you just noticed.

‘’Tenma!’’ The boy let out a joyous exclamation at seeing the older man.

The lighter hit the trail, causing it to catch on fire, the fire travelling towards a bunch of chemical containers in the warehouse.

‘’The rug, Heckel! Use the rug to stop the fire!’’ Tenma yelled.

Heckel hesitated, just enough time for the kid to grab the rug out of his hands and throw it on the fire trail, while Heckel yelled at him to stop. It was too late for Heckel however, as the rug was now soiled with oil, successfully strangling the fire.

It was silent. Everyone was standing still, as if wondering what to do next.

‘’Nina.’’

‘’Tenma.’’

Nina and Tenma gazed at each other for a moment. It seemed like they both wanted to say something, but weren’t quite sure of what to say. Nina’s gaze then shifted to you and she said your name just as softly. The moment was interrupted by the sound of police sirens nearby.

‘’Shit, the cops.’’ Heckled exclaimed in shock.

‘’Run! I’ll handle this guy.’’ Said Nina as she grabbed the Neo-Nazi on the floor, ‘’You have to get out of here, Tenma!’’

Heckled pointed towards the dock, ‘’There’s a boat on the river, we can use that to get outta here!’’

 

While Tenma and the two others ran for the boat, Nina turned to look at you.

‘’You have to run too!’’

‘’What?!’’

‘’You have to go! If you shot someone they’re gonna arrest you, no matter what you say! Please, don’t try to follow me, you’ve already been in enough danger as of now.’’

After all this time, after finally catching up, you had to leave? But they were right; you couldn’t let yourself get caught by the police. You could hear the sirens. They were close now. You had no choice. You gave Nina a quick nod, before turning on the spot, and running towards the dock, planning to hijack a boat of your own.

You could – no – you _would_ catch up to her later. For now, you would retreat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Points to anyone who knows who was outside the door.  
> As John Mulaney said; ''I don't care for these neo-nazis and you may quote me on that.''


	10. Summer of 1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, we are getting to the part i've been looking forward to. After this arc, all possibilities be open, and I promise that reader will have more interaction and with all the important characters, as I feel I haven't been able to do much of that yet.  
> There will be a somewhat(?) graphic scene in this with suicide around the end of the chapter, so watch out for that

Nothing. You had nothing. Well, not literally, but there was no way to track Nina. No hint, no clues, no anything. What had seemed like an okay idea at the time turned out the best the worst idea you had ever had. You left Nina and ran from the police, only to find out that you actually didn’t have enough information to make a plan with. Why hadn’t you tried to go with Tenma? Perhaps, it was because you feared that me might now allow you to continue with your dangerous quest. You were stuck now and staying in this hotel was draining your wallet. You couldn’t go home. If you did, you feared that you might just stick your tail between your legs and give up on Nina. It would be too easy to fall back into your everyday life with no danger, only the threat of one of Kronecker’s insane assignments. You had to go somewhere, where you could stay without it being too expensive and where you could get a job…

There was one place you could go to.

 

They didn’t know anything about what had happened. You didn’t exactly have a lot of communication with them; it was more one of those ‘you’re family but we only see each other once a year and never really talk, and I also can’t really remember who you are’-situations. You were unsure of what exactly they were in relation to you, but you knew they were on your father’s side of the family. You never really considered them friends or cared much for them at all really, but you knew they would be delighted to see you, and you were ready to pull on all the resources you had to continue the chase.

 

The trip to Münich was long, but you were finally here. They were ready to greet you at the front door, offering to carry your suitcase to your temporary room, and showing you around the house before offering you tea and cookies.

After listening intensely to their conversation, you had finally managed to catch their names without having to awkwardly ask for them yourself. They had of course asked why you wanted to stay with them and what about your school, as family always asks. They did not have any kids of their own, so it was a piece of cake to make up some lie about your university sending out the students to study a subject on their own for a while, before returning with a presentation about said subject, as a way to promote independent studying.

‘’Well, Robert and I are very happy that you decided to stay with us for a little while. It’s always nice to catch up with family, isn’t it dear?’’

‘’Of course it is, Anja.'' He looked at you, ''You’re welcome to stay with us as long as you’d like.’’

Score.

 

It was hotter these days, the leaves one the trees turning into a clear green color, and the days lasted longer. Your nape was sweaty, hidden behind your hair, which your boss had ordered you not to put up in a ponytail.

‘’It looks better down. Costumers are more likely to come in if the servers look nice, and you can deal with a little sweat.’’

You could indeed, but that didn’t mean that you _wanted_ to. You were lucky to have found a job this quickly, but if you had the chance you would definitely switch it with something else. Your boss was alright most of the time, but at times he could be so difficult and rude that you just wanted to quit on the spot, but you needed the money.

‘’Must be though working with him.’’

It was one day, after having just endured another unfair lesson from your boss that she talked to you. A brown-haired girl with glasses and olive-green eyes, whom you had serviced a couple of times before. She was sort of a regular here.

‘’Tell ya what, you seem like a nice girl, and I don’t like seeing that guy yell at you every time I come here, because of some stupid thing that wasn’t even your fault. I might be able to get you a nice job that pays well.’’

It was a strange proposition, coming from a stranger, with whom you had never had a real conversation, but that didn’t mean you weren’t going to hear her out.

 

Lotte Frank, as she had introduced herself, worked for the business tycoon Hans Georg Schuwald, a name you had easily recognized. She just did the cleaning and other household chores, but was paid very well. After you had quit your job at the café, she had managed to talk Mr. Schuwald into letting you work with her at his house. While working there, you had noticed several boys from the nearby university coming over to read books for Mr. Schuwald. Lotte had explained that Mr. Shuwald’s eyesight had gotten worse as he had gotten older, and since he did not want go give up on his Latin literature, he had decided to hire those boys to read for him. It was also normal for him to chew the boys out for their incorrect pronunciation, or anything else they did wrong really, but he was not like that towards Lotte and you, but you figured it would be a bit harder to pronounce Latin correctly, than it would be washing some bedsheets. Most of the guys had quit rather soon after Schuwald had yelled at them, but you noticed that one persisted. Lotte had noticed him too.

‘’His name is Karl Neuman, he attends the university nearby, just like me. He’s quite the odd one, continuing to come here when Schuwald clearly treats him harshly.’’

Lotte was looking out the window, gazing down at the male student as he left after another failed reading session with Mr. Schuwald.

‘’Who knows, maybe he has some specific for coming here? Maybe really needs the money.’’ You suggested, while wiping a table with a dustcloth.

‘’I’m planning on asking him. He’s the only student who stays, even if Schuwald chews him out every time he is here, telling him how awful he is at reading Latin. I want to know exactly why he puts up with it.’’

It was a couple of days later, that Lotte asked you to go somewhere during the night of Friday with her and Karl.

‘’You haven’t met him before, right? We are going to find out what it is, that Schuwald is doing out so late every Friday. Karl was the one who asked if he could go with me, and I figured that might also be the perfect time for you to meet him.’’

‘’I don’t mind tagging along, but why are we going to spy on Schuwald? Isn’t that kind of illegal actually?’’

She shook her head as she smiled at your question, ‘’It’s not like we’re going to follow him around for several days, just one night. We’ll just take a quick peek at whatever he’s doing, and that’ll be that. Nothing more.’’

You would probably look back one day and consider it a stupid decision, but why not? As long as you didn’t get caught, it wouldn’t be too much trouble and it would make Lotte happy. You did kind of owe her for getting you this job. So you agreed.

 

You had never been to a red light district before, and for some reason you were a bit disappointed when the street wasn’t red. You had no idea why you thought it would be, you just did.

‘’I can’t believe this. Some kind of ‘vampire’ he is, that Schuwald. Visiting a place like this? He really is just on ordinary, old, gross man. We’re just wasting our time here. I’m going home.’’

‘’Okay, take care.’’

You both looked at Karl confusingly, ‘’You’re not going home Karl?’’ you asked him.

‘’No, I’m going to check this out before I head home.’’

You couldn’t deny that you were curious as well. For some reason, you had the feeling that there was more to this scenario than you had witnessed, and if Karl was going to investigate it further anyway, you might as well join him.

‘’I’ll go with you.’’ You said, and got an appreciative smile in return from Karl.

‘’Ah! Then I’ll go with you too.’’ Lotte declared, as she jogged to catch up with you and Karl, as you made your way into the building, which Schuwald had left only a few moments before.

 

Margot Langer, is who the lady in the apartment declared herself to be.

‘’I won’t lie to you and say that he comes here for a fun time, I honestly don’t believe he’s got much left in that department. No, he comes here to give me money. Of course he does, how could he not, after he got me pregnant and left me alone with the child. He threw me away like trash, so when I met him and told him who I was, he cried and begged for forgiveness.’’

Karl grit his teeth, while Lotte was looking confusedly between him and Margot.

‘’No. You’re not Margot Langer.’’ Karl said with a stern look on his face.

‘’Ye-Yeah, I looked up Margot Langer, and she was a former prostitute who…’’ she cast a nervous glance at Karl, judging his expression, ‘’She was a former prostitute who was found murdered a year ago, and the murderer still hasn’t been found. You’re not his mother!’’

At this, the fake Margot Langer erupted in laughter, ‘’And he knows it too. He knows I’m not the real Margot Langer, but he still pays me handsomely. Since the real deal is dead, he’s just ‘using’ me instead, showering me with riches as an attempt to absolve himself of the guilt he feels, with the only thing he knows; money.’’

Karl looked crestfallen, his head hanging down as he tried to wrap his mind around the truth.

‘’Now, don’t try to act all high and mighty with me. After all, humans are not so different.’’

Karl lifted his head at this, ‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’You’re just trying to extort some money too, aren’t you? Well, besides you and I, there’s another one. He came to talk to me too, just like you.’’ She raised her cigarette to her lips and took a deep breath, before blowing the smoke out, ‘’He’s one of those boys that read to Schuwald every week. Lets see, if I remember correctly, he’s the Thursday boy.’’

 

Lotte had only seen him once, as she did not work on Thursdays, but she had forgotten something once, at Schuwalds house, and when she went to pick it up, she saw him.

_‘’He is blond and extremely handsome.’’_

That’s how she had described him. Lotte had a knack for researching, and had managed to figure out his identity rather quickly, but it seemed that he had not attended school when Lotte and Karl were looking for him. It finally came to a point where Lotte had lost her patience, and decided to give Edmund Fahren a visit in his dorm.

‘’His room number is 204.’’ Lotte said, as she, you and Karl made your way up the stairs. Lotte and her research-skills were not one to be underestimated. You had to remind yourself not to get on her bad side.

‘’Alright, this is it’’ she announced as you arrived at room 204. She motioned for Karl to knock, which he did. No one answered. Karl looked at you and Lotte, wordlessly asking if you were alright with this, and he slowly opened to door.

None of you know how to react, to what you saw inside. You could only stare at the body hanging from the ceiling, eyes open wide in horror.

 

 

You wrung the grass under your hands, feeling the soft texture of it, as you pulled and tugged. Lotte and Karl sat on the stone bench, which you wearing leaning against, reading the school paper, while wearing sullen expressions.

‘’It’s awful. The whole school is talking about Edmund Fahren now. I can’t believe he killed himself.’’ She leaned towards Karl to look at the school paper, ‘’I cannot continue to pretend… Do you think he was talking about the whole affair with Schuwald?’’

‘’Possibly. He probably felt guilty about posing as his son.’’

The grass straws snapped under your hands as you clenched them, ‘’Then he shouldn’t have pretended to start with. You can live without being rich…’’ This whole ting had left a bitter taste in your mouth, and it felt like your guts were twisting around inside you.

‘’I’m sorry about what happened to your mother, Karl. This must have been tough for you.’’ You placed a reassuring hand on his knee. It was only after your visit to the fake Margot Langer, than you had been told that Karl was the real Margot Langer’s son, and also Schuwald’s illegitimate child. This must have been harder for him than just anyone else.

Karl gave your hand a squeeze with his own, ‘’Thank you. I’m glad that you two have supported me through this.’’

Lotte placed her hand on his shoulder, as you all sat in a comfortable silence.

‘’It sounds like you had quite a day yesterday, Lotte.’’

You couldn’t help but notice the silvery voice with which the handsome newcomer spoke.

‘’Yes, the police questioned us for a long time, since we were the ones who found the body.’’ Lotte spoke to the newcomer, who seemed to be an acquaintance of hers.

‘’Schuwald was pretty upset about the news. He did not want to be read to today.’’

Lotte shifted in your and Karl’s direction, her eyes not leaving the figure in front of her, ‘’Let me introduce you two. This is the boy who reads for Schuwald on Fridays.’’

The blond stranger reached out his hand, ‘’It’s a pleasure to meet you.’’

Karl grasped it with his own and shook it, ‘’You too. I’m Karl Neuman. I study economics here.’’

You accepted the handshake too and introduced yourself, ‘’I’m not a student here, but I’m friends with Lotte and Karl.’’

As he was holding your hand, the blond introduced himself to you and Karl; ‘’Johan Liebert. I’m in the law school.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who hated writing chapter 9 so much, that she decided to start working on this chapter instead?


	11. Life Goes On, Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life goes on, as it always has done. If you live to see the new day, you'll find that your life can change in the most wonderful ways.

Johan had to be one of the most handsome men you had ever seen. With blond hair, blue eyes and pale skin, he had all the traits on would consider attractive. It wasn’t just on the outside; he was also well-spoken and easy to be around. The air around him was different somehow.

You had hardly spoken to him, and yet he had already left quite an impression on you.

 

The local life in around München university was still affected by Edmunds Fahren’s suicide, but life continued on, whether or not you’d like it to, and eventually the state of things returned to something resembling ‘normal’. Schuwald still wouldn’t let the students read to him, but slowly, the conversations of Edmund Fahren’s suicide began to quiet down. It was as if the world had slowly started to forget him. It was a terrifying change, to think that one could do something like that to themselves, only for their pain and suffering to be forgotten by the rest of the world, but no human can go on relieving their painful memories for their whole life. They would all forget sooner or later. It was the natural process of mourning. Your little group too, no longer spoke of Edmund or his actions.

The group was had actually gotten just a little bigger, with the handsome law student having joined, shortly after having introduced himself to you and Karl. He must have met Lotte at Schuwald’s, as they obviously had known each other for a while. Lotte had spoken well of him, he was the only student whom Schuwald had never yelled at. There was no question that this man was on another level, compared to another people his age. But other than that, you had also noticed that your social insecurities rarely flared up around him. Perhaps it was because of the welcoming air around him. Or maybe, it was because his face seemed familiar somehow.

 

Even though people were slowly forgetting Edmund Fahren, both Karl and Schuwald seemed to be stuck in a ditch. Schuwald would barely touch his due to his loss of his supposed son, and Karl was stuck between telling Schuwald the truth or simply let it remain a secret while Schuwald wasted away.

‘’Lotte, you can’t force him to tell Schuwald the truth. It’s his own decision!’’

‘’I know, but Schuwald’s health has gotten worse. He barely touches his food these days, and if he keeps it up, he’ll be the next one to go.’’

The mood did not match the surroundings at all. It was a sunny day, with barely any clouds to be seen, but there was one big, dark imaginary cloud hanging over your heads. Lotte tried to respect Karl’s decision, but was obviously failing.

‘’I just wanted to see what kind of person he is, and I’ve seen everything I needed to see. Money is everything to that man, he’ll never be able to understand how I feel.’’

The sidewalk had been rather quiet up till that moment, but it had slowly gotten a bit noisier, as several children came from behind you, flittering around on the sidewalk. But your group was silent. You gave Karl a comforting pat on his arm, ‘’You have to do what’s right for you, Karl. If you don’t think he’ll understand your feelings, then you shouldn’t force yourself, but I must say that if you do not tell him, then you’ll never know for sure, but it’s your decision.’’

Karl remained silent.

Amongst the voices of children, you heard a familiar one; ‘’I see.’’ your trio turned around to face the newcomer, who stood right in the middle of the flock of children, ‘’If that is the case, then I have an idea.’’

 

The plan would have its consequences if you messed up, but luckily, it had been relatively easy to lock Schuwald’s guard in the bathroom, and bring Schuwald out to the car. Schuwald had told Johan, that he had a special place he had visited whenever his life had gone downhill. The plan was to bring him to said place, as a surprise, in order to get him out of his dump.

When you arrived, you couldn’t believe your eyes. You were lucky that Schuwald’s eyesight was bad; otherwise the plan would have been ruined, you thought, as you gazed upon the barren land. There was no grass, no pond, no trees. There was no nature to be seen, whatsoever.

‘’I’m… so sorry sir. This place is just a construction site now…’’ Karl muttered, looking down at the ground. You could barely hear him.

‘’You can’t hear the wrens? They’re singing so beautifully right now. Just listen very carefully.

Johan stood a bit behind your group, gazing over the pit. ’’The forest floor is littered with apples.’’ He bent down, imitating the motion of picking an apple, before placing his hand over Schuwald’s palm, only to remove it to reveal a green apple in the older man’s hand.

He moved closer to the edge, ‘’Come closer, and take a look at this. What a sight.’’

You walked over to stand beside him.

He looked into the distance, sparing no glance to the construction site, as he described the non-existent forest in detail. He then turned to you. ‘’It’s beautiful isn’t it?’’ He asked you.

Turning your head to the large pit, you thought you saw the image of a forest bathed in orange, and then it was gone. ‘’Yeah, it really is.’’

 

Karl, Lotte and Schuwald walked up to your side. Shuwald took a bite of the apple.

’’I see it.’’ Tears were streaming down his face, ‘’I can see the forest!’’

 

Johan didn’t need to say anything else. He was incredible. There was no other way to describe him. He knew exactly what to say, and what to do, in order to make Schuwald believe him. Your group had almost messed up the plan, and he had fixed it, just like that. You definitely weren’t the only one in awe of his talent.

It was safe to say, that you had managed to cheer up Schuwald.

 

 

The invention of the library was one of mankind’s best. It had peace and quiet and computers, the exact things you needed in order to conduct your research. The people you were staying with had a computer, but you’d rather not have them question your search history. After all, why would a young woman research the murders of middle-aged couples in Germany? Surely not just for fun.

Unfortunately, your research had not bore fruit. When you finally had found something that could have helped your case along, the trail went cold. Two officers had quit their jobs relatively soon after the day Nina’s parent’s were murdered. Then it turned out that both of these officers had been killed* which left you with nothing, once again. You had stayed in München for a while now, and you felt yourself getting more and more restless with each day that passed. You felt useless, and because of that, your negative thoughts had only grown stronger and stronger over the last couple of days, often leaving you awake during the nights, contemplating whether you could actually ever hope to help Nina, or if you should just give up and obey Nina’s orders for you to go home.

You shook your head lightly. No, you couldn’t. The question had passed your mind many times, but the answer was always the same. Yet, even if your mind wanted to continue, you were not sure if your body could keep up. The bags under your eyes and the paleness of your skin had caused Lotte to ask about your wellbeing several times, your answer always being that you were just a little bit sick. Nothing to worry about. She had accepted this explanation, but had ordered you to stay away from work until you had recovered. Instead of doing the logical thing and using your free time to rest, you spent it doing research.

You blinked just a bit too slowly, and suddenly, your eyelids felt unbelievably heavy. Resting your face on your hand, you dozed off for a little while, before someone placed their hand on your shoulder, and shook it gently. ‘’Mm, let me sleep….’’ You mumbled, trying to swat the hand away.

‘’I don’t reckon that sleeping in a chair will be good for you.’’

You groggily opened your eyes, your surroundings blurry until your eyes focused on the person hovering over you, at your side.

‘’I heard from Lotte that you were sick, and she told you to go home. I’m curious as to why you are sitting here, when you should be resting at home.’’ Johan said with a soft smile. You rubbed your eyes, before stretching your arms over your head. Your back felt sore from having been bent over the table for so long.

‘’I know, I know, but it’s honestly nothing serious. She didn’t have to send me home.’’

‘’ _These,_ ’’ he cupped your face with one hand and rubbed his thumb under your eyebag, ‘’beg to differ.’’

His touch brought a small blush to your face. You grabbed his hand and moved it away from your face, letting out a sigh of defeat. ‘’Fine! I’ll go home and sleep.’’ You went to turn off the computer when you remembered that your research had been up on the screen for the whole time, meaning that Johan could easily have seen it. You looked at him, but he had turned to look at a bookcase, which gave you time to close down the computer and grab your bag.

‘’I’ll see you later then, Johan’’

‘’Why don’t I walk you home?’’ he said, as he caught up to you. You gave him a confused look.

‘’The reason I’m at the library was because I wanted to pick up a book for you, since you’re sick. I saw this book a while ago, and I thought you might be interested.’’ He showed you the book he had picked. ‘’Aimée & Jaguar**’’. Huh, you felt like you had heard that title before.

‘’That’s really nice of you. Also that you’re walking me home, even though you really don’t have to.’’

‘’I want to. I’ve really only talked to you while Lotte and Karl were present as well, but I’ve wanted to talk to you one-on-one for a while now.’’ He admitted. You could feel your cheeks burning again.

He was right. You had never talked with one another without anyone else being present. You could definitely feel the difference. You usually preferred to be in a group, as it would lessen the focus on you, but this didn’t feel too bad. As you wandered the streets of Munich on your way to the place you were staying at, the conversation flowed easily. You had never been able to do that; every conversation had been overshadowed by you, yelling at your brain to come up with something to talk about.

 

Just as you waited for the light to turn green, you made the mistake of looking down the street, where you saw someone, whom you had wished to never meet again. There were no cars, so you took the chance and grabbed onto Johan’s sleeve before dragging him across the street.

‘’Is something the matter?’’ he asked, while you dragged him further away. You offered him no answer.

 

‘’Would you like to come in and have a cup of tea or something?’’

‘’Sure, I would love to.’’

Your family members were at work, leaving the house empty, unfortunately. You couldn’t ignore what had just happened, and there was no one here to change the subject for you. He would probably ask about it sooner or later. Your hands shook slightly, as you placed the kettle on the stove. You thought of Mila. The strong, confident Mila, who was everything you wanted to be. Maybe you could tell him.

 

‘’Here you go. And here’s sugar and milk if you would like some.’’ You said, as you placed the things on the table.

‘’Thank you.’’

‘’Um…’’

‘’Yes?’’

You gripped your mug, as you stared down at the brown tea.

‘’Sorry for dragging you like that back there. I just… I saw someone I didn’t want to talk to, and I panicked.’’ You let out a shaky sigh, as you scratched your arm. ‘’It’s a long story…’’

Johan laid out his hand on the table, offering it to you.

‘’We’ve got time.’’

You grabbed it and took a deep breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * It is revealed in Another Monster (a sort of sequel novel to Monster, released by Naoki Urasawa) that Nina did not manage to save detective Müller, after he had been shot.  
> **This book was also seen in chapter 3. It is a book from 1943, about the story of two women who are attracted to each other.  
> I really don't know if I'm 'balancing' the story enough. I'm trying to incorporate my own scenes while also following the main story, but oh well, I'm trying. I might rewrite this fanfic someday once its done


	12. What Happened Back Then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated  
> I also desperately need them to stay alive

You had figured yourself out a long, long time ago. Of course, you didn’t know the ‘title’ or official word for it; you just understood that you felt a certain way, at certain times, with certain people. It wasn’t something you talked about, as you didn’t feel the need to. It was just a part of your life, and it felt like it had always been that way. There was no need to question it, or even think about it, it was, what is was, and that was fine.

Your parent’s didn’t know. And how could they? You never told them.

 

You didn’t remember exactly when it started. Suddenly, your friend’s parents were calling your own parents, expressing concern at your friendship with their daughter. You had overhead the phonecall, having stopped by the door to the living room, on your way to the toilet. It was past your bedtime, and you couldn’t help but feel the slight thrill of bending the rules, eavesdropping on your parents while they were unaware of your presence. Besides, you were curious to hear what they were talking about.

‘’…Inappropriate? Now listen, they’re just kids! Of course they’re going to be much more affectionate with their friends, than adults would be with theirs. …Yes, yes, I know, but don’t you think she meant like a kiss on the temple or something? Yes, you asked her? I see. We’ll make sure to talk to our daughter, but I’m sure it’s just the kids playing around. They hardly even know what it means… goodnight.’’

You had done something wrong? You didn’t wait around to find out, and slipped into the bathroom quickly, as your parents began to walk out of the living room.

 

It was the next morning that you had ‘the talk’. No, not the one about the birds and bees, but rather about kisses.

‘’We received a call yesterday, from the Schulz’. They said that their daughter had told them, that you had kissed her while you were in school. Now, kissing people isn’t a bad thing, but the Schulz’ were concerned that it would be inappropriate, and asked us to talk to you.’’

You looked up from your breakfast, ‘’Did I do something wrong?’’

Both your parents shook their head, ‘’No, no, of course not, sweetie. The Schulz’ just aren’t too happy about it…-‘’

‘’What about Linda? She didn’t say that she disliked it, when we did it.’’

‘’Yes, but her parents don’t want you to kiss her.’’

‘’Why not?! If Linda doesn’t dislike it, then why is it such a problem? I don’t understand, it makes no sense!’’

‘’We know, but…’’ Your father let out a sigh, before rubbing his temple, ‘’You’re both girls…-’’

‘’And is there something wrong with that?’’ you asked with a loud voice.

‘’Of course there isn’t… but some people think there is. We don’t ever want to restrict you, but you must understand that there are certain… rules in our society, which most people follow, and while it isn’t always bad to break these rules, some people may get angry if they find out,’’ your father held your mothers’ hand reassuringly, ‘’and we just don’t want you to get hurt.’’

But you continued anyway. In secret, of course.

 

When you were older, you finally understood why your parents wanted you to be cautious about it.

It was the jokes. The sneers. The disgust in their eyes, when they talked about it, as if it was a disease. How would they look at you, if they knew? You were afraid to find out, so you kept quiet. You still kissed people, but only boys. It was too risky to reveal your secret to anybody, as teenagers were some of the cruelest, backstabbing people you had ever met. But then one day, you were feeling a bit too hopeful, and decided to reveal it to a girl that you had gotten close with. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, and when she didn’t respond negatively, you thought you had finally found someone you could trust.

‘’…What do you mean it was an accident?’’

The brown-haired girl in front of your wrung her hands together, her face showing annoyance yet guilt, ‘’I didn’t mean to! It just slipped out. I’m sure everyone will just forget about it anyway, so there’s no need to be mad at me.’’

 

They didn’t forget. Oh no, they did not. In fact, you saw an increase in attention over time, instead of a decrease. Your quiet, normal life had suddenly taken an unexpected turn for the worse. It was painful, and you didn’t know how to stop it.

 

But then it did. The bullying, the whispers and the threats did not, but the tangled knot in your chest disappeared. When they leered at you, hit you, gazed upon you with disgust, you felt something, but it was always muted. Your emotions were a campfire, but something was placed between you and the fire. You could feel the warmth from the fire, but you couldn’t feel the searing, burning fire on your skin. When too close to a fire, one might feel as though their skin is burning. This sensation was lost. Only a dull heat remained.

It became hard to _feel._ It became hard to get out of bed, to eat, to do anything. It did not take long after that, before your parents figured out that something was wrong. It had been easy to make up lies before you changed, but with all your energy and the disappearance of your emotions, it became impossible to keep up, so you told them what had happened.

They took it in stride. They were horrified to learn what had happened, but they kept calm and took action. A few days later, (during which you had stayed home), you had dropped out of the university, distancing yourself from the toxic environment it had turned into, and despite your protests, as you did not want them to feel pressured to move, your family soon left the city for good. You were grateful for your parents’ support, but at the same time their support could not fix what lingered.

 

Your family ended up in Heidelberg, where you would attend the Heidelberg University. You had never told your parents, but you had picked that university randomly. Your new state of self had caused your emotions to dwindle, which also meant that your interest in things had lessened. You had no interest in the subject you were studying; you had simply picked it to get far away from your old life.

It was there that you had met Nina.

A wall had been built around your heart. Within those walls you felt safe, yet longed to see beyond them. Something about Nina just pulled you closer to her, than you would have liked. You had decided to mend yourself, by isolating yourself for an unknown period of time. You figured it would be easier to pick up the pieces of your shattered self-confidence, and stitch them back together by yourself. After all, that way, no one would accidentally, or not-so-accidentally, step on the shards while trying to pick them up. Despite all that, Nina managed to ever so subtly make your walls cave in, effectively making your resolve crumble, and throwing you into chaos that felt familiar. The chaos of having a crush. The way the slightest touch would leave your skin feeling as if it was on fire, the reluctance at saying goodbye, and constantly drifting towards them without even noticing.

But it was different with others. They were still pushed far away, only managing to stay close and _feel_ as if they were close friends with you, because of Nina. Their presence gave you nothing. No joy, no anger, nothing. They were just there, and so were you.

 

‘’…And then she disappeared. The only person I cared about was just gone.’’ You stared down at your intertwined hands, your other hand laid on your leg, repeatedly scratching the fabric of your jeans, a nervous tic you had had since childhood.

Johan let out a small hum of understanding, his thumb slowly stroking your hand comfortingly.

‘’What happened afterwards?’’ He asked, after a small while of silence.

‘’Oh, that’s another long story, and to be honest, I don’t feel like recalling all that too today. The short version is; I’ve just been drifting around since, looking for her, and that lead me here.’’

Your tea was probably cold by now.

‘’I understand. You don’t have to tell me everything. I’m glad that you’ve shared this with me.’’

You lifted your head to look him in the eyes. ‘’So, how do you feel now?’’

The weight of nervousness in your chest had slowly dissolved, as you had recounted your past to him. Your walls had been opened, ever so slightly. The first push had been nerve-racking, but as you kept going, it had become easier and easier. There had been no judgment or disapproval from Johan, nothing to push your walls shut again.

A small smile grazed your face.

‘’Pretty good.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I've said in my other story ''light in the darkness', I've recently started at my new job, and it starts rather early, so I'm usually pretty tired when I get home. Updates are prolly going to slow down a bit, but I'll definitely finish the story


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